If anyone were to actually go through my blog, actually, they'd in hindsight be able to find some entries where I show this anxiety off, and yet more which describe how I've had anxiety my whole life and developed coping mechanisms.
I've literally made a blog post, maybe multiple blog posts, about how I am simultaneously afraid of everything, and yet, nothing. The everything comes from, what in hindsight, is actually probably an anxiety disorder. I literally fear everything, even things that are impossible. I get caught in what-ifs, and get all worked up about the littlest of things, always fearing, always nervous, always on edge of "what if things don't go well".
Heck, even right now there are a few.
What if we run out of water?
What if we can't get out?
What if I sleep through my appointment for a covid test?
What if I lose my job?
Probably more similar ones, but those are the ones that come to mind immediately, and I am basically consumed with worry about them, struggling to find solutions, always afraid, always paranoid, always trying to avoid them.
Heck with pets I always experience "what if"s involving them being hurt or worse, too, beyond a level that's normal worry, now that I think about it.
And as for the "I fear nothing"? That's the coping mechanism for the anxiety. Having rationalized the anxiety through and pointed out, no, those things are not going to happen, we have this and that, etc. I'm not afraid because I'm constantly afraid and constant fear brings constant coping. And the constant fear is constant anxiety, but the constant coping of it keeps it from being bad.
If I had the article in front of me (I was planning on doing precisely that for this blog), I'd run through the various aspects of what it says in there, and explain my own relationship with it. Things like my perfectionism. How I have constantly, consistently, described being "overreactive", as beyond overactive because that's what's firing off in my brain, with it being concerned about every little thing, avoiding things that are daunting, and so on and so forth.
Unfortunately, I'm not feeling so motivated to micromanage that in making a blog post so I'll be lazy about it.
Suffice to say, if I were to break it down piece by piece you'd be able to tell.
But since I'm not going to, you'll just have to take my word for it. It should be obvious enough though in hindsight, especially with reading my blog.
Now, I realize there's probably a fair amount of overlap with anxiety disorders and the manic half of bipolar disorder. (I 100% have bipolar disorder. It is the one condition I have been diagnosed with, and countless medical professionals have seen my symptoms and agreed that I have it and the treatments I've taken have suggested to them that yes I do indeed have it.)
There might be some overlap with ADHD, too. (I am like 90% sure I have adhd, I literally hyperfocus on things allllll the time, but am also prone to being distracted, have my brain go off on tangents, etc. I had it listed in my medical file at least once at some point altho I don't really know what came of that.)
Heck, there might be some overlap with autism as well. (I am like 98% sure I have autism. I am very much not neurotypical. The way I think in concepts with concepts being my first language and have to translate things to English but sometimes things get lost in translation, files get corrupted, certain files get misplaced, wires get swapped/crossed, tics I have with my hands and such, the way I store info on my fingers, gestures I make, the way I can relate to autistic people an "get" them, my ability to see things better than most people including patterns, see subtle details but not being able to understand social cues, struggling to "read the room", figure out tone, etc., all suggest it, and it is another thing I had listed in my medical file at least once at some point altho I don't really know what came of that.)
And while I don't have an official diagnosis for anything except the bipolar disorder (and probably won't, since just knowing is adequate enough for me), the fact remains that I probably do in fact have them.
And today we can add anxiety to that list.
I realize autism and adhd have a lot of overlap. Bipolar disorder might overlap, too. And I know that all of them likely overlap with anxiety.
So saying that I have all of them might seem a bit dubious. How could someone, after all, have not one, not two, not three, but four different mental conditions that a neurotypical person does not have? How could someone who passes as mostly-normal (albeit highly quirky and often dragged down by debilitating crippling aspects of my mind) have so much not-normal in their mind?
But the thing is.
While I realize that the conditions have overlap.
There are some things about them that do not overlap with each other. And I have signs and symptoms of all, which includes the areas which don't overlap between them.
I'd have to go into extensive depth and research to list all the signs and symptoms of autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder in order to show why I believe I have all of them, which is too much effort for me to do now. But I genuinely feel like if I cared enough to show my homework, even a skeptic could be made a believer so long as they are not a literal mental-condition-denier (as in, someone who believes mental disorders don't exist).
I realize people hold criticism for self-diagnosis. Which is fair. It'd do a lot of good for me to put the skeptics to rest if I did go through the time/effort of getting official diagnoses for the conditions I have. (That said, I believe that the medication I am taking for bipolar disorder is also used for anxiety anyway so like...if I am correct that I have anxiety, my current medication is a three-in-one special dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety all in one.)
Butstill, while you can do a lot of convincing of yourself, while you can be mistaken, while you can be ill-informed, while you can mistake one thing as being a different thing, while you can delude yourself to a certain extent, while you can always just be exaggerating the connection of the dots and once the connection is formed, force it to fit...
...At a certain point? I am still the one who knows me best. I know my mind. I know the way it works. I know the way it operates. Nobody can know it better than I do. Nobody knows me better than I do. The same way nobody can tell me that I am not trans (when I am, I am Bree, I am a girl, and nobody can tell me I am not because I know I am), nobody can tell me I'm not bipolar, not autistic, don't have adhd, and now, don't have anxiety.
There's being cautious, there's being skeptical, but then there's just being a gatekeeper. And you shouldn't gatekeep mental health and disregard the experience of an individual who has actually spent considerable amount of time researching and reflecting and considering their findings and wondering and even doubting their conclusion while managing to still hold true to their conclusion because they know themselves better than you do.
I realize harm can come from claiming something that you actually aren't; I realize harm can come from misdiagnosis, especially self-misdiagnosis. But there's no harm in having something just click and realizing, "yeah, that makes sense in hindsight" and then using this knowledge to try and better your future by incorporating the knowledge of the probability of having That Thing, and managing to maximize the advantages of That Thing while minimizing the weaknesses of That Thing.
It did just click for me as "oh yeah, in hindsight? That makes a lot of sense that I'd have an anxiety disorder". It just fit instantly. Like, basically no doubt, I just somehow knew that it was true. I already have mechanisms for dealing with it, but these mechanisms can be improved with knowledge of having the anxiety disorder. And that knowledge does me no harm, only good.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble.
My anxiety is somewhat spiking in regards to tomorrow, so to mitigate it, I'm going to go to bed now.