All Too Human
All Too Human
  • Blog
  • Red Hood Rider

Rambles, Rants, and Musings

Some of my feelings on being trans:

11/30/2014

0 Comments

 
You know, this is never an easy thing to admit, but I figure lacking anything better to talk about, I might as well say it. On the subject of how I know I'm trans, I'm not gonna lie to you. Sometimes, I do have my doubts about it. (I am a creature riddled with self-doubt, constantly and consistently, about basically everything in life. If you don't see me showing doubt, chances are that I still have it locked away, hidden.) However, each time, I end up finding my resolve stronger than before. It's like a muscle strained by a workout--the doubt breaks it down, but then I do some soul searching and it builds up more resolute than ever before when I finish, my conviction grown because of the mental exercise.

As just one example, today (I think it began when I was practicing my womanly stride in spare time at work) I asked myself, would I really be happier as a woman? Not much physically would change, there would be consequences with the change, and given my bipolar disorder, I likely will never feel like I'm living a satisfied life. (That sounds overly harsh, maybe a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I know me. No matter how much wishing it to not be true may help, it'll never stop existing, that dissatisfaction.) There will always be a lingering sensation that I could be "more", and I'd endlessly be plagued by the "what if"s of life.

Yet I looked into this painfully-honest evaluation of my future. It's realistic...but do you know what I found? If I transition, my life may not be happier, but I'd feel better from having done it. (How does that make sense? It just does. Like I said...this is something I actually put serious, serious thought into and tried to attack as realistically as possible, neither optimistic nor pessimistic, not idealistically naive nor cynically harsh, to paint an accurate picture. And that was my conclusion.) That, alone, is proof enough that this is no delusion, that I am not lying to myself, that I'm not making a mistake. It is me. (There's various other ways I know, like the happiness the name Bree brings and the pain my real name brings, the happiness of having done a female version of me, the happiness in seeing the addressing of me as 'she', and so on and so forth, but we're dealing with moments of the low which prove it, rather than moments of the high which prove it.) It might not ALWAYS seem like that, but it's one of the few things in my life that I have little doubt in.

Now, don't get me wrong, that doubt's gonna be a pain to deal with, because it keeps coming back. Yet let me tell you what I know will happen, for a FACT, when I'm about to begin transitioning. I have absolutely zero doubt about this happening, I'm not gonna lie, and it's going to sound freaky unless you've gone through similar and know what I'm talking about. When the day would come for me to begin transitioning...one last time, I'd second-guess myself. There'd be no going back, so if I later decided it was a mistake...whoops, too late! And that? That's terrifying. That's a horrible, fear-inducing feeling. "What if this wasn't such a good idea?" I know I will think it. I absolutely know that thought will come up to me and punch me in the gut. It'd consume me, this doubt, about the path I've chosen.

...But then...I'd ask myself, truly, if that fear was justified. And you know what? I already know it isn't. I don't care what those niggles of doubt say. They'd be last-minute nerves. Having gotten that far...I'd take the plunge. Because, yes...that is who I am. Deep down in my soul, I know it's true. The deeper I go, the more I know it's the right course of action, no matter what my horrible paranoia may try to drag me down into thinking.

I am not a guy. I am, always was (even before I realized it!), and always will be, Bree.
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    rBree2

    AKA:
    RangerBree2
    ​rangerbreenew

    Just your average blogger. A transwoman lesbian, with autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, who is plural (a polyfrag median system).

    Twitter
    Twitch
    ​​YouTube
    ​TikTok
    Alt-Blog
    ​Fanhouse​
    Facebook
    Steam

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014

    Categories

    All
    Adhd
    Anxiety
    Art
    Autism
    Consumed Entertainment
    Content Creation
    Dancing
    Depression
    Dream
    Family Night
    Farn
    Food
    Games
    Gender Dysphoria
    Health
    Love
    Mafia
    Misophonia
    Past Midnight
    Pets
    Philosophy
    Phyrra And Cyrus
    Plural
    Ramble
    Red Hood Rider
    Religion
    Rider
    Rubyverse
    Saturdays
    School
    Sleep
    Song
    Story
    Sundays
    Tae Kwon Do
    Technical Difficulties
    The Descended
    Trans
    Work

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.