So final proof that I am a terrible person.
My grandmother is dieing right now.
You know, the one in Oregon.
My mom is insisting we rush down there.
Tonight.
And my thoughts?
Are more or less,
We're doing that...even though by the time we get there, she'll likely be dead already...
...And even if not, we're going to have to watch her die (which will be even worse)...
...And we've already been, piece by piece, day by day, month by month, year by year been watching her slowly slip away already. So the whole experience is going to be unpleasant and awkward and generally...not something I'd want to willingly watch, especially since (given I am underweight and cannot gain weight) there is a very realistic chance that some distant time in the far-off future, that exact fate will happen to me.
In short.
My mom's basically in a panicked rush.
My family's in an emotional rut.
But here I am, and I'm not thinking, "this is a bad thing".
I'm more thinking, "We've known this was coming", and that it's something which would be okay.
...So with that mindset. I felt maybe the slightest hint of being upset, the slightest watering of my eyes. But instead of being in a state where I wanted to cry but couldn't...it was a state where I thought crying was what was expected of me yet I didn't really want to.
And all the time where this talk of leaving as soon as possible for Oregon comes up.
Their thoughts are on getting there as soon as possible, to take care of normal, standard, family affairs.
Oregon has, especially since I discovered I was trans, always been a place where I've felt isolated (it's nearly impossible for me to contact my online friends there), and incredibly vulnerable. So my thoughts? Are more along the lines of, "Will I be safe there?"
Combined with thoughts of the inconvenience this forces on me. There are people who count on my presence around them. Especially in mafia. Because internet is severely limited at best there (often not working at all), there's a very real chance I will be in the dark for days, no contact with the online world, my friends, the place I feel connected, at all.
Furthermore, I'm currently searching for a replacement for my Sunday shift this week at work, which is a bother and honestly not something I want to do, because I like working there, I have trouble finding subs (it requires interactions which I am not good at), and honestly I'm telling myself: I don't want to go.
And that's why I'm a terrible person. This is an immensely personal thing, personal loss, to my family. But their pain, which they expect me to have, is not my pain. My pain is something entirely different. I will be inconvenienced, I will be away from where I want to be, I will be unable to blog for five or so days, I will not have my friends, I will not be able to give people what I want to give, and most of all, I will be in a place where I am entirely reliant on people who, by and large, don't know me.
All the same...I have to go. It's more than a sociopathic "If I don't do this, they will see this side of me I don't wish them to see" sort of "must go". They already basically know this, they've known about my autism since before I did. They would probably hold some extremely passionate emotions, disappointment, maybe even rage, at me for expressing my honest feelings, but they wouldn't be too terribly surprised.
So, I'm not going to preserve a secret. But I am going because this is something which must be done. It's an obligation to be there, because while I may not care about hiding my own emotions, I do care about THEM. And because I care about them, and this is something VERY BIG for them, I have to go.
Because one thing I can do? I can empathize well. I personally don't hold those emotions. But I can feel them feeling their emotions. And I need to be there when they are feeling those emotions, no matter how awkward it'll be for me, because me being there is something that will help them. I understand where they come from, I can instinctively pick up on what they are like, so I need to respond in the way which will most comfort them.
Plus, this is the sort of thing that I believe you're supposed to do no matter what. You know, the once in a lifetime sort of thing, where if you don't do it, you regret it for the rest of your life, type event. My thoughts right now, my feelings right now, are still on the monstrous, horrible person, wavelength of "This sucks".
In the inconvenienced "I don't wanna do this" kind of way.
All the same, I'll do it anyway, for all the reasons listed.
So!
Won't be able to blog for the next few days.
We're leaving some time tonight. Dunno when, specifically.
But blogging will, understandably, be something I can't do. (Weebly won't load there, I tried last time I was there.)
I don't know when I'll be back.
Maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday. I can't imagine it'll be later than that, all six of us have lives we need to get back to, between my sisters' work, my brother working, and my dad working, maybe even my mom tutoring too. (Okay, so I don't have much on my end.)
But we're leaving tonight, and not getting back for a while.
My grandmother is dieing right now.
You know, the one in Oregon.
My mom is insisting we rush down there.
Tonight.
And my thoughts?
Are more or less,
We're doing that...even though by the time we get there, she'll likely be dead already...
...And even if not, we're going to have to watch her die (which will be even worse)...
...And we've already been, piece by piece, day by day, month by month, year by year been watching her slowly slip away already. So the whole experience is going to be unpleasant and awkward and generally...not something I'd want to willingly watch, especially since (given I am underweight and cannot gain weight) there is a very realistic chance that some distant time in the far-off future, that exact fate will happen to me.
In short.
My mom's basically in a panicked rush.
My family's in an emotional rut.
But here I am, and I'm not thinking, "this is a bad thing".
I'm more thinking, "We've known this was coming", and that it's something which would be okay.
...So with that mindset. I felt maybe the slightest hint of being upset, the slightest watering of my eyes. But instead of being in a state where I wanted to cry but couldn't...it was a state where I thought crying was what was expected of me yet I didn't really want to.
And all the time where this talk of leaving as soon as possible for Oregon comes up.
Their thoughts are on getting there as soon as possible, to take care of normal, standard, family affairs.
Oregon has, especially since I discovered I was trans, always been a place where I've felt isolated (it's nearly impossible for me to contact my online friends there), and incredibly vulnerable. So my thoughts? Are more along the lines of, "Will I be safe there?"
Combined with thoughts of the inconvenience this forces on me. There are people who count on my presence around them. Especially in mafia. Because internet is severely limited at best there (often not working at all), there's a very real chance I will be in the dark for days, no contact with the online world, my friends, the place I feel connected, at all.
Furthermore, I'm currently searching for a replacement for my Sunday shift this week at work, which is a bother and honestly not something I want to do, because I like working there, I have trouble finding subs (it requires interactions which I am not good at), and honestly I'm telling myself: I don't want to go.
And that's why I'm a terrible person. This is an immensely personal thing, personal loss, to my family. But their pain, which they expect me to have, is not my pain. My pain is something entirely different. I will be inconvenienced, I will be away from where I want to be, I will be unable to blog for five or so days, I will not have my friends, I will not be able to give people what I want to give, and most of all, I will be in a place where I am entirely reliant on people who, by and large, don't know me.
All the same...I have to go. It's more than a sociopathic "If I don't do this, they will see this side of me I don't wish them to see" sort of "must go". They already basically know this, they've known about my autism since before I did. They would probably hold some extremely passionate emotions, disappointment, maybe even rage, at me for expressing my honest feelings, but they wouldn't be too terribly surprised.
So, I'm not going to preserve a secret. But I am going because this is something which must be done. It's an obligation to be there, because while I may not care about hiding my own emotions, I do care about THEM. And because I care about them, and this is something VERY BIG for them, I have to go.
Because one thing I can do? I can empathize well. I personally don't hold those emotions. But I can feel them feeling their emotions. And I need to be there when they are feeling those emotions, no matter how awkward it'll be for me, because me being there is something that will help them. I understand where they come from, I can instinctively pick up on what they are like, so I need to respond in the way which will most comfort them.
Plus, this is the sort of thing that I believe you're supposed to do no matter what. You know, the once in a lifetime sort of thing, where if you don't do it, you regret it for the rest of your life, type event. My thoughts right now, my feelings right now, are still on the monstrous, horrible person, wavelength of "This sucks".
In the inconvenienced "I don't wanna do this" kind of way.
All the same, I'll do it anyway, for all the reasons listed.
So!
Won't be able to blog for the next few days.
We're leaving some time tonight. Dunno when, specifically.
But blogging will, understandably, be something I can't do. (Weebly won't load there, I tried last time I was there.)
I don't know when I'll be back.
Maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday. I can't imagine it'll be later than that, all six of us have lives we need to get back to, between my sisters' work, my brother working, and my dad working, maybe even my mom tutoring too. (Okay, so I don't have much on my end.)
But we're leaving tonight, and not getting back for a while.
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