So my mom's back home right now, which means she's on the desktop where I would prefer to do this sort of work. Under normal circumstances, the blog post I'm about to write would take...oh, probably about an hour or two on the desktop. I mean, until yesterday, didn't really do much blogging ON my desktop, but that's about how much content and time spent I'd probably do on there for this particular blog post.
Now keep in mind I'm on my laptop. And through a combination of age and various forms of neglect, it runs slowly in various different ways. Memory can get into the high-70s easily (though, surprisingly, it's actually low right now, at 50%), and mind you when it says 80% memory that is around the point where it begins using physical space on the harddrive I believe. CPU is rarely if ever below 80%, even when I'm not doing anything. (It's constantly running at 100% right now.)
The computer is slow to wake up. It's slow to do actions, like recognizing my typing. This, just on normal things. When it comes to internet-related things, it's even slower. I do mean it when I say my computer probably will not last that much longer, considering it is on the older end of its shelf-life. I remember reading that the average lifespan of a laptop is somewhere in the 3-6 years range, and that laptops older than that are prone to failure in multiple ways.
Well, my laptop's pretty much that old. And I am not taking the best care of it, either physically or mentally, if you consider physical to be hardware and mental to be software. Mentally, my computer's probably more messed up than I am, which is itself an impressive feat. (I do love my computer, it's just that...if a laptop were a child, I would not be good parenting material. All the love in the world doesn't mean I can suddenly have a perfect view of what I do, and do not, need to do for my computer.)
Anyway, the point I'm beginning to make here is...this blog post will...take a long while. Long, long while, since videos are involved and if there's one thing my computer absolutely hates, it's videos. Crashing is a very, very real risk, so I'll be saving this blog often as I work on giving you the blog post that I was gonna give originally.
So with this unplanned prelude now finished...let's talk! Listening to The End on Sunday mornings is the highlight of my week. I may or may not have said that before, but it's always been true, and always been something I've at least wanted to say if I haven't said it already. The music they play for Resurrection Sundays is usually top-notch. All the songs they play are usually good, and the best part of all?
The songs I know I can happily dance to, since it's so rare to hear them. (Sure, some still play, but those are the exception to the rule on Sundays.) And, as a bonus, it's the ONLY time of the week The End plays songs I don't actually know. Now, mind you...this is not actually, as your first inclination may be to assume, from my listening habits. Namely, that I listen exclusively to The End, nothing else, and often for multiple hours a day.
By that logic, you'd think it'd be obvious that I'd know all the songs being played, but actually, it's more like a small jab at their current absolute lack of variety and severe favoritism of softer and/or major-key songs. (Mind you, I don't know the difference that well between major and minor key, but when discussing songs with my SISTER, she can help point them out. Most of the better songs The End plays are minor.)
I still like the station. They have some awesome parts. The love I have held for them hasn't disappeared. (I believe I made a very long ramble about them at some point? I know that, prior to the creation of this blog, I certainly had a LOT to say in favor of them, at the very least.) I like the music they play. Aside from one or two songs, nothing they play is actually bad. And they have some really, really awesome songs, like Fire, River, and such for current favorites. So overall, they play songs above mediocre in quality, and when combined with other perks like short commercial breaks, DJ personalities, and whatnot, I still willingly listen to them.
It's just...that if you listen to the station for so much as three hours (give or take an hour), you've pretty much heard their entire playlist for the entire day. Even if not, you've probably at least heard pretty much every artist that they'll have playing for that day, with maybe one or two rare exceptions as they pull from their library a list of popular hits that they momentarily revive. (My sister likes to point out a different station's promise. The End has a "2 minute promise" for commercials: never more than 2 minutes at a time, and half the commercials of any other radio station. She prefers JAQ FM's promise: "no repeats for a full day". As in, they never play the same song twice until a day has passed. More like 12 hours pragmatically, but the point stands.)
So, that's why when I say Sundays are the only time I don't recognize everything, that's quite the big thing. For their normal playlist, I can identify most songs by name. I can often identify the artists by name. It's almost never that I can't do at least one, and often I can do both. If the lyrics are clear enough, I can even sing along with the song. Sometimes even if they aren't clear enough, I still can. (Granted, my version will always have inaccuracies because what I hear may not necessarily be what the actual words are.)
Resurrection Sunday? Not so much. Because I listen to it every week, it's gotten to the point where I vaguely recognize the majority of the songs they play, but not intimately, and even then, I still get some new ones every once and a while. Even if I hear a song, there's never a song that is on literally every week; it may appear two weeks in a row, but it'll eventually get out of the rotation, and come back later.
Sunday Morning End Sessions, AKA, The End Unplugged (among other names), is also good. They have variety, and are awesome to hear as recorded live versions of songs. They're different from the norm, and yet, still familiar. Some awesome covers only exist as end sessions, too! Plus, as an added bonus, while I do recognize most songs (or if not, can usually guess the artist), there's still plenty of songs played each week that I don't know.
...But as of the time I'm writing this down, that's not for another 5-10 minutes. (Yes, this was written at 9:50ish.) I started writing this for my blog, mostly to talk about a song I heard on Resurrection Sunday. In this case, it's a song that does occasionally still play on the radio, albeit very rarely. It's an old favorite of mine and another tune to my life.
In this case?
Steady As She Goes.
Now keep in mind I'm on my laptop. And through a combination of age and various forms of neglect, it runs slowly in various different ways. Memory can get into the high-70s easily (though, surprisingly, it's actually low right now, at 50%), and mind you when it says 80% memory that is around the point where it begins using physical space on the harddrive I believe. CPU is rarely if ever below 80%, even when I'm not doing anything. (It's constantly running at 100% right now.)
The computer is slow to wake up. It's slow to do actions, like recognizing my typing. This, just on normal things. When it comes to internet-related things, it's even slower. I do mean it when I say my computer probably will not last that much longer, considering it is on the older end of its shelf-life. I remember reading that the average lifespan of a laptop is somewhere in the 3-6 years range, and that laptops older than that are prone to failure in multiple ways.
Well, my laptop's pretty much that old. And I am not taking the best care of it, either physically or mentally, if you consider physical to be hardware and mental to be software. Mentally, my computer's probably more messed up than I am, which is itself an impressive feat. (I do love my computer, it's just that...if a laptop were a child, I would not be good parenting material. All the love in the world doesn't mean I can suddenly have a perfect view of what I do, and do not, need to do for my computer.)
Anyway, the point I'm beginning to make here is...this blog post will...take a long while. Long, long while, since videos are involved and if there's one thing my computer absolutely hates, it's videos. Crashing is a very, very real risk, so I'll be saving this blog often as I work on giving you the blog post that I was gonna give originally.
So with this unplanned prelude now finished...let's talk! Listening to The End on Sunday mornings is the highlight of my week. I may or may not have said that before, but it's always been true, and always been something I've at least wanted to say if I haven't said it already. The music they play for Resurrection Sundays is usually top-notch. All the songs they play are usually good, and the best part of all?
The songs I know I can happily dance to, since it's so rare to hear them. (Sure, some still play, but those are the exception to the rule on Sundays.) And, as a bonus, it's the ONLY time of the week The End plays songs I don't actually know. Now, mind you...this is not actually, as your first inclination may be to assume, from my listening habits. Namely, that I listen exclusively to The End, nothing else, and often for multiple hours a day.
By that logic, you'd think it'd be obvious that I'd know all the songs being played, but actually, it's more like a small jab at their current absolute lack of variety and severe favoritism of softer and/or major-key songs. (Mind you, I don't know the difference that well between major and minor key, but when discussing songs with my SISTER, she can help point them out. Most of the better songs The End plays are minor.)
I still like the station. They have some awesome parts. The love I have held for them hasn't disappeared. (I believe I made a very long ramble about them at some point? I know that, prior to the creation of this blog, I certainly had a LOT to say in favor of them, at the very least.) I like the music they play. Aside from one or two songs, nothing they play is actually bad. And they have some really, really awesome songs, like Fire, River, and such for current favorites. So overall, they play songs above mediocre in quality, and when combined with other perks like short commercial breaks, DJ personalities, and whatnot, I still willingly listen to them.
It's just...that if you listen to the station for so much as three hours (give or take an hour), you've pretty much heard their entire playlist for the entire day. Even if not, you've probably at least heard pretty much every artist that they'll have playing for that day, with maybe one or two rare exceptions as they pull from their library a list of popular hits that they momentarily revive. (My sister likes to point out a different station's promise. The End has a "2 minute promise" for commercials: never more than 2 minutes at a time, and half the commercials of any other radio station. She prefers JAQ FM's promise: "no repeats for a full day". As in, they never play the same song twice until a day has passed. More like 12 hours pragmatically, but the point stands.)
So, that's why when I say Sundays are the only time I don't recognize everything, that's quite the big thing. For their normal playlist, I can identify most songs by name. I can often identify the artists by name. It's almost never that I can't do at least one, and often I can do both. If the lyrics are clear enough, I can even sing along with the song. Sometimes even if they aren't clear enough, I still can. (Granted, my version will always have inaccuracies because what I hear may not necessarily be what the actual words are.)
Resurrection Sunday? Not so much. Because I listen to it every week, it's gotten to the point where I vaguely recognize the majority of the songs they play, but not intimately, and even then, I still get some new ones every once and a while. Even if I hear a song, there's never a song that is on literally every week; it may appear two weeks in a row, but it'll eventually get out of the rotation, and come back later.
Sunday Morning End Sessions, AKA, The End Unplugged (among other names), is also good. They have variety, and are awesome to hear as recorded live versions of songs. They're different from the norm, and yet, still familiar. Some awesome covers only exist as end sessions, too! Plus, as an added bonus, while I do recognize most songs (or if not, can usually guess the artist), there's still plenty of songs played each week that I don't know.
...But as of the time I'm writing this down, that's not for another 5-10 minutes. (Yes, this was written at 9:50ish.) I started writing this for my blog, mostly to talk about a song I heard on Resurrection Sunday. In this case, it's a song that does occasionally still play on the radio, albeit very rarely. It's an old favorite of mine and another tune to my life.
In this case?
Steady As She Goes.
...Not even gonna try to play that video on my desktop. If it's the wrong video, I'll just edit it to the right video once I get to the desktop. (I know, I don't like to edit blogs, but as you're about to see...for this blog post, I'd be willing to bend that rule a little.) Anyway, in case the video is correct (looks correct, but can't know for sure), yet for some reason the embedded version won't work, this is a link to the video.
The reason this song speaks to me shooooooould be obvious enough, but I thought I should post about it all the same. Now, granted. I've never once looked up the official lyrics, and even if I had, haven't looked up the official meaning. So maybe the lyrics weren't meant the way I choose to interpret them, but hey...that's the absolute beauty inherent to music: it means what you WANT it to mean.
So in my case, the song speaks to me in moments of panic, where I'm an emotional wreck. Whenever my life wavers, whenever I doubt myself, whenever I am in a moment of weakness, be it emotional or mental, this is one of my staple songs to get me back on track. (It also helps that it's an awesome song, too!) It helps bring my focus inward, allowing my resolve to come back. It says, Go Steady, young lady. Live your life. Set your path, and be at peace with yourself. Which is a very strong message.
While we're on the subject of songs that hold meaning to me, I'm going to go on a tangent, compared to the rest of this blog which overall shares a different theme, to talk about another song where I choose to interpret things differently. I don't know if I said this before, it's possible I have and that I'm repeating myself, but this is something I've wanted to blog about...well, pretty much since the moment I thought about it at work, when listening to the song.
And in this case, I'm talking about Pretty Woman. (Well, technically the full title is "Oh, Pretty Woman", but same thing.) Pretty typical...60s?ish (don't actually know the age of the song, just know it's old rock and roll)...song about a guy chasing after a pretty girl, right? Longing to have her by his side. You can find dozens upon dozens of songs longing for, desiring for, that same thing, in just that age, yet alone, across all time. It's an age-old wish: have that beautiful lady as 'yours'.
Yet let's look at those lyrics:
Pretty woman, walking down the street
Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
Pretty woman
I don't believe you, you're not the truth
No one could look as good as you
Mercy
Pretty woman, won't you pardon me
Pretty woman, I couldn't help but see
Pretty woman
That you look lovely as can be
Are you lonely just like me
Wow
Pretty woman, stop a while
Pretty woman, talk a while
Pretty woman, give your smile to me
Pretty woman, yeah yeah yeah
Pretty woman, look my way
Pretty woman, say you'll stay with me
'Cause I need you, I'll treat you right
Come to me baby, be mine tonight
Pretty woman, don't walk on by
Pretty woman, don't make me cry
Pretty woman, don't walk away, hey...okay
If that's the way it must be, okay
I guess I'll go on home, it's late
There'll be tomorrow night, but wait
What do I see
Is she walking back to me
Yeah, she's walking back to me
Oh, oh, Pretty woman
What's so special about those lyrics? Well, one of my desires as a musician has always been to make a "cover" of the song...but with the slightest of changes to the lyrics. Let me show you what the power of selective editing can do:
Pretty woman, walking down the street
Pretty woman, the kind I like to be
Pretty woman
I don't believe you, you're not the truth
No one could look as good as you
Mercy
Pretty woman, won't you pardon me
Pretty woman, I couldn't help but see
Pretty woman
That you look lovely as can be
Are you lonely just like me
Wow
Pretty woman, stop a while
Pretty woman, talk a while
Pretty woman, give your smile to me
Pretty woman, yeah yeah yeah
Pretty woman, make my day
Pretty woman, say you'll stay with me
'Cause I need you, I'll be you right
Come to me baby, be fine tonight
Pretty woman, don't walk on by
Pretty woman, don't make me cry
Pretty woman, don't walk away, hey...okay
If that's the way it must be, okay
I guess I'll go on home, it's late
There'll be tomorrow night, but wait
What do I see
Is she walking back to me
Yeah, she's walking back to me
Oh, oh, Pretty woman
I made only the slightest amount of changes, and this was a five-minute effort quickly thrown together without even listening to the song. If I spent time really, really thinking about which words to substitute where, the message might be even more clear, but as-is, try reading the above and see what the song says now. With only the slightest of modifications, instead of being a man chasing after a woman out of his league, it instead takes on a fully different meaning: someone (presumably male) chasing after the chance to be that woman, thinking solemnly that maybe it'll never happen, but gaining back hope near the end.
Before, that song was just a random oldies song to me. I heard it all the time, I liked it, and along with many others danced to it just fine, because it's a good song and they just don't make music that way anymore. I was raised on it, I like it, not much more to say...until I made that slight connection in my mind. With my way of interpreting it, with my choice of how to see the song, suddenly, it gained far more personal weight.
And on that note...there's actually a trio of songs I mentally run my head through when I get into the kind of place I was yesterday. It doesn't always work, but whenever I can string these songs together in my mind, the message can become immensely powerful. Each of these, by itself, would be telling a complete story. But by telling them in this selected order, they gain even further meaning, just that extra layer, where a full story of my life suddenly begins to play out, in musical form.
Making a cover of these three songs, back to back, has also been one of my dreams as a musician, because I feel like if I nailed the presentation of them back to back to back, the end result would be a...hmm, what are those things called? Not singles, not albums, I think the word starts with an e? One of those mini-albums, essentially, that's also sort-of like a group of singles. Somewhere between the two. Well, it'd be one of those, and a VERY powerful one at that.
So let's get started!
In case the embedded version doesn't work, that's Believe, by The Bravery. Now, what does this song start with? A very, very poignant delivery of the issues in life, and how things are not working. I'm not gonna quote the whole song, but in particular, one lyric above all others can help convey the most important part: "So give me something to believe, because I'm living just to breathe".
There's a lot more to the song that resonates with me in my low points than just that line from the chorus. The whole of the versus, the chorus, and whatnot all say important, relevant things to my life. If you listen to the song (and also to the tone of the singer when he is singing those lines!), the importance of this becomes evident. It's a song that helps highlight all the things in my life that are wrong...and with me being unable to fix them. "I know there's a problem. I am not moving forward. So...what now? What do I do?" That's what the song is asking.
The answer doesn't come from that song. At least, not in this narrative. Instead, we move onto the second act:
There's a lot more to the song that resonates with me in my low points than just that line from the chorus. The whole of the versus, the chorus, and whatnot all say important, relevant things to my life. If you listen to the song (and also to the tone of the singer when he is singing those lines!), the importance of this becomes evident. It's a song that helps highlight all the things in my life that are wrong...and with me being unable to fix them. "I know there's a problem. I am not moving forward. So...what now? What do I do?" That's what the song is asking.
The answer doesn't come from that song. At least, not in this narrative. Instead, we move onto the second act:
Again, in case the embedded version doesn't work, that's Drive, by Incubus. I link this one to Believe, because to me, it is the natural follow-through. The beginning of Drive deals with the same subject: drowning in a lack of direction. "I don't know where to go." But the song progresses. You can see it with lines like "take the wheel and steer", and "hold the wheel and drive". It's a song about taking control of your life. Of gaining that direction. "I am going to make a deliberate effort to steer my life in the direction of my choosing, rather than let it be".
The future is still uncertain. ("Whatever tomorrow brings".) But I will survive. ("I'll be there".) I will keep an eye on opportunity, I will keep an open mind, but I will be the one with the ultimate decision on how to live my life. ("With open arms and open eyes".) Again, like many other songs that I am referencing, maybe this isn't what the band intended the song to mean. But that is what meaning it has gained to me: "I haven't had direction. But now, I am going to gain it. The future is uncertain, but I will continue to try."
The final song in the trio is a reinforcement of Drive, progressing to the next step: where I've already begun the process of reforming my life, but it's a bumpy road. So, I begin to play through this.
The future is still uncertain. ("Whatever tomorrow brings".) But I will survive. ("I'll be there".) I will keep an eye on opportunity, I will keep an open mind, but I will be the one with the ultimate decision on how to live my life. ("With open arms and open eyes".) Again, like many other songs that I am referencing, maybe this isn't what the band intended the song to mean. But that is what meaning it has gained to me: "I haven't had direction. But now, I am going to gain it. The future is uncertain, but I will continue to try."
The final song in the trio is a reinforcement of Drive, progressing to the next step: where I've already begun the process of reforming my life, but it's a bumpy road. So, I begin to play through this.
And once more, in case the embedded version doesn't work, we're now seeing The Middle, by Jimmy Eat World. (You might note a common trend in these songs so far, with the exception of Pretty Woman. There's good reason for that!) Literally every line of this song speaks out to me. The video, by itself, would stand as an important message. (Well, I actually have never seen the video. The song does, though!)
But when you throw in the previous two, it becomes even more important. This is for when I am reforming my life, in the final stages, and yet the road becomes bumpy. Rocky. So I need to tell myself a few things. Do whatever I can. Do my best. It doesn't matter what others think. It doesn't matter what others are like. It doesn't matter what others say. On my own, pursuing my own path, live the life I want to live. It'll be rough: it'll take time, there will be ups and downs, but ultimately...everything will be alright.
I'm almost directly quoting, word for word, the lyrics from that song. No, seriously. I feel special need to emphasize this, so unlike the previous two, I will just quote the entire dang song's lyrics here.
Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own),
So don't buy in.
Live right now, yeah,
Just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on.
Just do your best (just do your best),
Do everything you can (do everything you can).
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts
Are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.
...Bonus points: it's addressed to "little girl". Guess what I see myself as in times of emotional turmoil? This song is absolutely perfect. I've always loved it, and it makes the perfect finale to the sequence of songs, on rebuilding my life. Because in one song, it manages to wrap everything up and say everything that must be said: it's not that bad. Life isn't nearly as scary as I think. If I keep going, then no matter what...it will work out eventually. I just have to tell myself this. I just have to keep it in mind. And then, no matter my troubles, I will still stay on top. (Again, helps that Jimmy Eat World is an awesome band.)
Of course, there are other songs. Normally, I don't tie them to others in order to tell a story, but I felt like mentioning some of the biggies anyway. Have more youtube links!
But when you throw in the previous two, it becomes even more important. This is for when I am reforming my life, in the final stages, and yet the road becomes bumpy. Rocky. So I need to tell myself a few things. Do whatever I can. Do my best. It doesn't matter what others think. It doesn't matter what others are like. It doesn't matter what others say. On my own, pursuing my own path, live the life I want to live. It'll be rough: it'll take time, there will be ups and downs, but ultimately...everything will be alright.
I'm almost directly quoting, word for word, the lyrics from that song. No, seriously. I feel special need to emphasize this, so unlike the previous two, I will just quote the entire dang song's lyrics here.
Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own),
So don't buy in.
Live right now, yeah,
Just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out
Or looked down on.
Just do your best (just do your best),
Do everything you can (do everything you can).
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts
Are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright, alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.
...Bonus points: it's addressed to "little girl". Guess what I see myself as in times of emotional turmoil? This song is absolutely perfect. I've always loved it, and it makes the perfect finale to the sequence of songs, on rebuilding my life. Because in one song, it manages to wrap everything up and say everything that must be said: it's not that bad. Life isn't nearly as scary as I think. If I keep going, then no matter what...it will work out eventually. I just have to tell myself this. I just have to keep it in mind. And then, no matter my troubles, I will still stay on top. (Again, helps that Jimmy Eat World is an awesome band.)
Of course, there are other songs. Normally, I don't tie them to others in order to tell a story, but I felt like mentioning some of the biggies anyway. Have more youtube links!
This one's Paradise, by Coldplay.
A bit of a bittersweet song, I've always thought of this song as being, "Hey...that song perfectly describes me!" Even before I knew I was trans, when I heard the song I was like, "That song is me, aside from being a girl!" (Well, little did I know......) It perfectly encapsulates my inner depression: I see the harsh bits of reality, and I retreat to my dreams. Sound familiar? It should. It's not exactly a unique occurrence in my life. That zone, that dream, which is far out of reality.
While we're on the subject of Coldplay...
A bit of a bittersweet song, I've always thought of this song as being, "Hey...that song perfectly describes me!" Even before I knew I was trans, when I heard the song I was like, "That song is me, aside from being a girl!" (Well, little did I know......) It perfectly encapsulates my inner depression: I see the harsh bits of reality, and I retreat to my dreams. Sound familiar? It should. It's not exactly a unique occurrence in my life. That zone, that dream, which is far out of reality.
While we're on the subject of Coldplay...
That's the titular song from the album Viva la Vida, the final track (I believe? It's the last one which would play when we put the CD in the computer, anyway, which, yes, we did do because back then we actually bought hard copies of music), Viva La Vida. I think no better song has ever been written to perfectly encapsulate a fall from grace. The saying, "Oh, how the mighty have fallen" can adequately describe the sentimentality in the video, and it reflects my wasted potential.
At so many points in time, I could have done great, but through many various situations, most of them my fault, it all crumbled away, and the person who once was so full of potential, so full of life, who could have legitimately earned the respect and love of others...was left with nothing, because of stupid mistakes on my part. Of course, detractors could say I never had that ability, but I'd argue...yes, I did, I just...never harnessed it, because my emotional state got in the way, more or less.
Then we get three others I want to show you.
At so many points in time, I could have done great, but through many various situations, most of them my fault, it all crumbled away, and the person who once was so full of potential, so full of life, who could have legitimately earned the respect and love of others...was left with nothing, because of stupid mistakes on my part. Of course, detractors could say I never had that ability, but I'd argue...yes, I did, I just...never harnessed it, because my emotional state got in the way, more or less.
Then we get three others I want to show you.
You'll recognize the band as The Bravery, same band as for Believe. But this time, it's An Honest Mistake. It's actually in a largely similar vein to Viva La Vida: I could say this in, ah, less vulgar terms, so do pardon the language, but I think that using the word in this one case should be okay, given the nature of it: this song is more or less what I think when I think, "I've fucked up my life". Now, me being me, curse words don't actually come naturally to my mind. So when I think with that kind of language, it's a rarity among rarities, and is usually a sign of just how bad I've gotten, thus the line.
I make mistakes. I mess up. I mess up really, really badly, but I still want to try. I still want to live life, in spite of screwing things up, in spite of constant muckups. I just generally think that it's a song that says so well what I mean whenever I'm in a situation where I have to sincerely, fully, and entirely say, "I'm sorry". Because pretty much the only time I would ever need to say that, and have those two words (well, two and a half, technically) carry their full meaning, is if I have severely screwed things up, if I was responsible for things going catastrophically wrong, and always...always, I KNOW it was me, and I find it hard to forgive myself.
I make mistakes. I mess up. I mess up really, really badly, but I still want to try. I still want to live life, in spite of screwing things up, in spite of constant muckups. I just generally think that it's a song that says so well what I mean whenever I'm in a situation where I have to sincerely, fully, and entirely say, "I'm sorry". Because pretty much the only time I would ever need to say that, and have those two words (well, two and a half, technically) carry their full meaning, is if I have severely screwed things up, if I was responsible for things going catastrophically wrong, and always...always, I KNOW it was me, and I find it hard to forgive myself.
So the first video here is Boulevard of Broken Dreams, by Green Day. Even in just the name of the song, the relevant meaning to me is conveyed. This is a song I play in my mind when I feel isolated and lonely. I have often felt that I walk without companions down the road I've chosen in life, and have seen countless opportunities wasted. I feel lost often, I don't know where I'm heading, but I'm alive. I'm a bit messed up from it all, but I still survive, trudge on, carrying my weight, as I continue through life.
The second is Zombie, by The Cranberries. The lyrics basically refer to an empty shell of a person, who has nothing left inside of them. Every time I enter a depressed state, I come dangerously close to being like that, of just being a zombie living life while not actually being alive.
Now, I mention those songs, because in actuality, they can be chained together into a combo of ten songs, for a full album. This is not a precise thing, because I worked this out while at work, so no ability to listen to them all to see if it thematically fits. But basically...know how I have the trio of songs that tell a story? I can expand it to include all the videos I have linked to, including the one I did yesterday. It works like so:
We start with me at around 14, maybe 15 or 16: I'm beginning to move out of childhood. I'm a naive little girl, who dreams of the world. Enter, song one: Paradise. Because that's where I wanted to be, in paradise, in my dreams, yet the harsh reality of the world slowly encroached. So at this high point, about in the 2007-2010 range, things were good, and potential for greatness was there...and then I crashed. I burned. I hardcore lost it.
Enter Viva La Vida, song number two, where the world I once felt so on top of has crumbled around me, leaving me an empty husk. This is when songs three and four (order doesn't matter too terribly much), Boulevard of Broken Dreams, and Zombie, enter. Rock bottom of my life. I'm miserable, with nobody to blame but myself. So then, I begin to see the error of my ways. I, for the first time, tell the truth to myself, about what I am, about what I've done wrong. So enter, An Honest Mistake: I've recognized that I've messed up, but I'm still wallowing in that self-pity, so to speak.
No progress is being made...but I want it. I want to move forward in my life. I hate having to hate myself, my actions, my stupidity. Enter, Mess of Me. This quickly transitions into Believe: I have the desire to better myself, yes...but how do I do it? I want to get back my life, but what can I do to get my life back? I've still not found direction. So that's where Drive comes in again, because, yes, now I know where I am headed, because I am determined to make my life be mine.
This is where Steady As She Goes fits into the picture, because that song is more or less where the idea ("I'm going to take control of my life") becomes a plan of action, where instead of just saying what I want, I instead say how I will get what I want. This difference sets up the critical change, which again climaxes with The Middle, where the effort to keep going is challenged, and then reinforced by the challenge.
Honorable mentions, which stand on their own but which didn't make the story: Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve, Mad World (at least, a cover version of it), and Wizards in Winter by the Transiberian Orchestra.
...One of these things is not like the others, I know. But to talk about each of them, Bittersweet Symphony takes a lot of my beliefs and puts words to them, about the nature of life itself. Mad World, the version of that song I listen to anyway (I'll make another blog post when I find it), by itself, is capable of saving my life, by perfectly verbalizing some of the things about the world which are very frustrating to me and reflect my life. The last one (the only one The End does not play)? Well, more of an internet thing. Youfail.org has long-since been taken down, but back when it was running, that was the song playing, and its tune is now forever associated with that phrase. I'd listen to it for hours, as it constantly looped, and it reminded me of my shortcomings.
Now, I'm sure that there would be more songs that fit this theme if I thought about it and searched for things I've listened to. In particular, on the tip of my tongue, I have a feeling that two or three Linkin Park songs would come in and help define this list even more, since they entirely fit the pattern too with what their songs are about and mean to me. That's just one band; there'd be many more if I put thought into it. But I'm not, this is just the list I made from memory.
Now! Would you believe all of what I said above was just a setup for me talking about something else? If you know me...of course you would! This has all been one continuous note, on the title of the blog: the power music has to heal wounds, to soothe the soul, to make things right in an otherwise wrong world, the power of creation made tangible.
So it only makes sense...that I did all of the above, to talk about one of my own things.
In this case...I wrote half a song, more or less dealing with what I've gone through as of yesterday. The thing I like about what I've written is that it doesn't define person: not first person, not second person, not third person, left to interpretation. I didn't finish the second verse (or even start, only got ideas), but I did work out this much:
Everyone has lows and highs,
Where they're weak and have might.
Times of feeling so blind,
Times where they see a light.
The ups and downs of hope and despair,
The rollercoaster of quite good and not fair,
So given all there's one final dare:
(This is the prechorus)
Do laugh,
Do cry,
Everything will be fine.
(This is the chorus, it plays twice)
It's okay,
It's alright,
All wounds heal in time.
Be strong,
And be kind,
Live a wonderful life.
I think that the chorus in particular makes for a wonderful mantra: things will be okay. Eventually, everything will work out. In whatever ways you can, you can be strong. Show compassion, and have a good life. It's a good message to send, and I really, really like it.
The second is Zombie, by The Cranberries. The lyrics basically refer to an empty shell of a person, who has nothing left inside of them. Every time I enter a depressed state, I come dangerously close to being like that, of just being a zombie living life while not actually being alive.
Now, I mention those songs, because in actuality, they can be chained together into a combo of ten songs, for a full album. This is not a precise thing, because I worked this out while at work, so no ability to listen to them all to see if it thematically fits. But basically...know how I have the trio of songs that tell a story? I can expand it to include all the videos I have linked to, including the one I did yesterday. It works like so:
We start with me at around 14, maybe 15 or 16: I'm beginning to move out of childhood. I'm a naive little girl, who dreams of the world. Enter, song one: Paradise. Because that's where I wanted to be, in paradise, in my dreams, yet the harsh reality of the world slowly encroached. So at this high point, about in the 2007-2010 range, things were good, and potential for greatness was there...and then I crashed. I burned. I hardcore lost it.
Enter Viva La Vida, song number two, where the world I once felt so on top of has crumbled around me, leaving me an empty husk. This is when songs three and four (order doesn't matter too terribly much), Boulevard of Broken Dreams, and Zombie, enter. Rock bottom of my life. I'm miserable, with nobody to blame but myself. So then, I begin to see the error of my ways. I, for the first time, tell the truth to myself, about what I am, about what I've done wrong. So enter, An Honest Mistake: I've recognized that I've messed up, but I'm still wallowing in that self-pity, so to speak.
No progress is being made...but I want it. I want to move forward in my life. I hate having to hate myself, my actions, my stupidity. Enter, Mess of Me. This quickly transitions into Believe: I have the desire to better myself, yes...but how do I do it? I want to get back my life, but what can I do to get my life back? I've still not found direction. So that's where Drive comes in again, because, yes, now I know where I am headed, because I am determined to make my life be mine.
This is where Steady As She Goes fits into the picture, because that song is more or less where the idea ("I'm going to take control of my life") becomes a plan of action, where instead of just saying what I want, I instead say how I will get what I want. This difference sets up the critical change, which again climaxes with The Middle, where the effort to keep going is challenged, and then reinforced by the challenge.
Honorable mentions, which stand on their own but which didn't make the story: Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve, Mad World (at least, a cover version of it), and Wizards in Winter by the Transiberian Orchestra.
...One of these things is not like the others, I know. But to talk about each of them, Bittersweet Symphony takes a lot of my beliefs and puts words to them, about the nature of life itself. Mad World, the version of that song I listen to anyway (I'll make another blog post when I find it), by itself, is capable of saving my life, by perfectly verbalizing some of the things about the world which are very frustrating to me and reflect my life. The last one (the only one The End does not play)? Well, more of an internet thing. Youfail.org has long-since been taken down, but back when it was running, that was the song playing, and its tune is now forever associated with that phrase. I'd listen to it for hours, as it constantly looped, and it reminded me of my shortcomings.
Now, I'm sure that there would be more songs that fit this theme if I thought about it and searched for things I've listened to. In particular, on the tip of my tongue, I have a feeling that two or three Linkin Park songs would come in and help define this list even more, since they entirely fit the pattern too with what their songs are about and mean to me. That's just one band; there'd be many more if I put thought into it. But I'm not, this is just the list I made from memory.
Now! Would you believe all of what I said above was just a setup for me talking about something else? If you know me...of course you would! This has all been one continuous note, on the title of the blog: the power music has to heal wounds, to soothe the soul, to make things right in an otherwise wrong world, the power of creation made tangible.
So it only makes sense...that I did all of the above, to talk about one of my own things.
In this case...I wrote half a song, more or less dealing with what I've gone through as of yesterday. The thing I like about what I've written is that it doesn't define person: not first person, not second person, not third person, left to interpretation. I didn't finish the second verse (or even start, only got ideas), but I did work out this much:
Everyone has lows and highs,
Where they're weak and have might.
Times of feeling so blind,
Times where they see a light.
The ups and downs of hope and despair,
The rollercoaster of quite good and not fair,
So given all there's one final dare:
(This is the prechorus)
Do laugh,
Do cry,
Everything will be fine.
(This is the chorus, it plays twice)
It's okay,
It's alright,
All wounds heal in time.
Be strong,
And be kind,
Live a wonderful life.
I think that the chorus in particular makes for a wonderful mantra: things will be okay. Eventually, everything will work out. In whatever ways you can, you can be strong. Show compassion, and have a good life. It's a good message to send, and I really, really like it.
Addendum:
Oh...and speaking of Fire, and End Sessions? This section was made at 10:30, and guess what? I heard an End Session version of the song. I didn't even know there was an end session version of the song! Suffice to say, it fully delivered. Barns Courtney is a DEVIL. (Pun fully intended.)
Second Addendum:
This one made at 11:30! Having heard him before, I'm now like 99.99% positive I heard a second Barns Courtney song for the first time, as an end session, an hour after the first one. Between the lyrics similarity, the voice, and the instruments, I'm basically positive it was him, with a new song, well, probably not new to anyone who listens to his music but new to a person who knows him only from the radio and his only current single on there.
I got the feeling that this second song, when played as a studio version, wouldn't quite be as attention-grabbing as Fire is, but would still be rather good, so it's official. That guy's a genius.
...Now if you don't mind, I'm going to post this blog because it's getting insanely long and my computer could crash any second from having written it.
I got the feeling that this second song, when played as a studio version, wouldn't quite be as attention-grabbing as Fire is, but would still be rather good, so it's official. That guy's a genius.
...Now if you don't mind, I'm going to post this blog because it's getting insanely long and my computer could crash any second from having written it.
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