I hate that. Hate it. You know how self-destructive that feeling can get if I let it take control? Extremely. So I have to fight it. I have to overcome it, to persevere, to actually do something, but that's going to be incredibly hard and I'd rather be in a situation where I wouldn't have to need this.
...Heck, even my own subconscious is telling me I'm inadequate. When I went to bed on Friday, I had a dream about ComicFury. Some user there was praising me, saying something along the lines of, "I wouldn't be here (still) if it weren't for Ranger", and my response to that was, in the dream, more or less: "I'm sorry that I can't do more, that there wasn't anything extra I could have done" even though I was being praised, as if my dream was telling me that I don't think I'm worthy of praise.
(Today, I also had a dream while napping, in which my family was basically laughing at me, and not in the good way.)
And frankly, maybe I'm not.
But...uhg, just gotta...move on with things I guess. Part of tackling the problem can be doing as simple as this blog, in fact. So I'm writing this as effectively a wake-up call. I've got a lot of things I need to do. I'm still averaging one page a day, but right now, it's via finishing one page (which I did yesterday) and then half-finishing the next page (which I did during anime), but not quite finishing it for whatever various reason.
So now, I need to finish yesterday's page, do at least one more page, preferably two or three. I'm not going to let a moment of mental weakness stop me from working on something I'm so passionate about. That moment of mental weakness can destroy me, and my dreams, if I let it. But by beating it and finishing my art stuff, I'll not only have completed something I've worked towards, I'll also have overcome something that is clearly depression in the works.
Which makes Red Hood Rider all the more important to work on, now. It's become my rock in life, so to speak. I come back to it, thinking of it, and it makes me happy. It makes me stronger. It makes me able to deal with the strong feelings of dysphoria I've been feeling today. (Something I could go into detail about, but...today...I don't want to. Not out of apathy/lethargy. Just...as much mental strength as I may be building up, I don't have the amount needed to talk about something that painful, at least right now, today.)
I know it's a comic. It's something that will never be profitable to me, it's something that will never be quite as good as I see in my head, it's something which I will have to work hard on for years and years all for something that probably won't even be paid attention to. As much as I've envisioned and dreamed my comic getting hyped up...I've seen barely a nibble when it comes to interest for it, which has set my expectation low.
Like...my comic is now public, so people can subscribe to it on ComicFury.
In spite of a few Coming Soon update/announcements, I have a grand total of two subscribers...one, who subscribed to my last comic and might be there purely for loyalty (I vaguely remember helping them out a few years back), the other, a friend who frequents the strudel and was around for the creation of the site.
That's it. Despite me making it in my sig for both my main account and my alt account. Art-wise, on the site I play mafia on, there aren't people commenting on what previews I've given there, either--and I know people read that thread, and comment on things they like, so it's a fair assumption that by me having posted something and a great amount of time passing with no comments on it, that people simply...don't care about it.
So...that's greatly, greatly discouraging.
But...it's my comic. Always has been. I've been upfront about this from the very beginning: it's a comic made for ME. (Heck, that's even something in my ComicFury profile, which I just recently realized.) Ultimately, while I'd love it if others enjoyed my work, my comic is meant for me. It's my expression. It's my outlet. It's my way of venting.
So I'll keep going.