I need to work on something Red Hood Rider related every single day.
You know, I said this before. But back then, that was in, "so the comic will actually get made" mode: Red Hood Rider was just a dream back when I said that. A passionate dream I had poured my heart and soul into, but still just that.
Now...it's so much more than that. I've been getting waves of dysphoria attacking me every single day now, usually worse each time. Fortunately, I haven't re-crashed (as you can tell by the fact that I'm actually writing a blog still!), but there's always the risk I would if my current mood shifted to be more depressed again. (Depression+dysphoria=guaranteed hell.) And the thing about this is...
...Well...
...There's literally nothing I can do to stop dysphoria from happening--even if I could, I'm not sure I'd even want to stop it. Well, what I mean is, Rain actually had a comic covering this, where...well I believe it was Gavin asked Rain if there was a magical pill to make the dysphoria stop, would Rain take it, and Rain said, flat-out, bluntly, no. Think like that. (Would have to track down the link for the full explanation/comic, but if you read Rain--you really should!--then you'll know the scene.)
Obviously, if I could stop the dysphoria by suddenly being biologically female, yeah, I'd do that. But that's the only way I should get rid of dysphoria: via steps to transition. Meaning that, until such a time as that becomes viable, I'm going to have to live with it. The dysphoria will happen. Similarly, the depression will happen, too. I can't magically go, "oh, I'm not going to be depressed today!". It doesn't work that way; it is a mental disorder for a reason. (Well, technically I have bipolar disorder, but half of that's depression.)
...Meaning...by those figures, a future crash is inevitable.
...Except...
...There's something in my life that serves as a counter: Red Hood Rider. I'm dead serious, here. Working on Red Hood Rider is therapeutic, moreso than even writing a blog is. It's not just because of pouring my heart and soul into the work. It's because Ruby represents who I want to be as a person. (More or less, anyway.) Yeah, she's a Mary Sue as a result, but...all the same, I draw strength from her by drawing her.
That's why I need to work on something Red Hood Rider related every single day. Because...Ruby has inspired me. She was meant to be an ideal version of what I would be, and in that regard, with me having brought her to life as much as I have, she's become as real to me as you would be, if I was able to see you, yes, you, the reader of this blog whoever you may be, face to face. Flesh and blood. She's a person. A proper being, strong, feminine, and just...
...Someone to look up to.
I know that might not make sense to you. But...seeing what she does...she is literally the highlight of my life. I seriously look up to Jocelynn Samara, and I seriously look up to Rain, but my own character, Ruby, has managed to surpass them both, in that...I actually feel I grow as a person by working on Red Hood Rider.
Every time I work on it, I feel like I'm taking a step to being a stronger woman. Every time I work on Ruby, I feel like I'm just that much closer to being the person I wish to be. She has changed my life. More than anyone else, my own character has helped me assert myself, giving me the strength to go on and the passion, the drive, to follow through on what I want to do.
So by working on Red Hood Rider every day...I will get closer to my goal every single day.
You know, I said this before. But back then, that was in, "so the comic will actually get made" mode: Red Hood Rider was just a dream back when I said that. A passionate dream I had poured my heart and soul into, but still just that.
Now...it's so much more than that. I've been getting waves of dysphoria attacking me every single day now, usually worse each time. Fortunately, I haven't re-crashed (as you can tell by the fact that I'm actually writing a blog still!), but there's always the risk I would if my current mood shifted to be more depressed again. (Depression+dysphoria=guaranteed hell.) And the thing about this is...
...Well...
...There's literally nothing I can do to stop dysphoria from happening--even if I could, I'm not sure I'd even want to stop it. Well, what I mean is, Rain actually had a comic covering this, where...well I believe it was Gavin asked Rain if there was a magical pill to make the dysphoria stop, would Rain take it, and Rain said, flat-out, bluntly, no. Think like that. (Would have to track down the link for the full explanation/comic, but if you read Rain--you really should!--then you'll know the scene.)
Obviously, if I could stop the dysphoria by suddenly being biologically female, yeah, I'd do that. But that's the only way I should get rid of dysphoria: via steps to transition. Meaning that, until such a time as that becomes viable, I'm going to have to live with it. The dysphoria will happen. Similarly, the depression will happen, too. I can't magically go, "oh, I'm not going to be depressed today!". It doesn't work that way; it is a mental disorder for a reason. (Well, technically I have bipolar disorder, but half of that's depression.)
...Meaning...by those figures, a future crash is inevitable.
...Except...
...There's something in my life that serves as a counter: Red Hood Rider. I'm dead serious, here. Working on Red Hood Rider is therapeutic, moreso than even writing a blog is. It's not just because of pouring my heart and soul into the work. It's because Ruby represents who I want to be as a person. (More or less, anyway.) Yeah, she's a Mary Sue as a result, but...all the same, I draw strength from her by drawing her.
That's why I need to work on something Red Hood Rider related every single day. Because...Ruby has inspired me. She was meant to be an ideal version of what I would be, and in that regard, with me having brought her to life as much as I have, she's become as real to me as you would be, if I was able to see you, yes, you, the reader of this blog whoever you may be, face to face. Flesh and blood. She's a person. A proper being, strong, feminine, and just...
...Someone to look up to.
I know that might not make sense to you. But...seeing what she does...she is literally the highlight of my life. I seriously look up to Jocelynn Samara, and I seriously look up to Rain, but my own character, Ruby, has managed to surpass them both, in that...I actually feel I grow as a person by working on Red Hood Rider.
Every time I work on it, I feel like I'm taking a step to being a stronger woman. Every time I work on Ruby, I feel like I'm just that much closer to being the person I wish to be. She has changed my life. More than anyone else, my own character has helped me assert myself, giving me the strength to go on and the passion, the drive, to follow through on what I want to do.
So by working on Red Hood Rider every day...I will get closer to my goal every single day.
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