Right-o. Back in the blogging business. I'm gonna be multitasking a lot today, but basically: my mom needs the desktop, so I'm planning on writing today. Maybe I'll switch to Red Hood Rider, but writing is what I set a goal for doing.
Prior to that, though, there's stuff to talk about. I'm pretty sure I had someone binge my entire archive around the time of my last update, last week. So to whichever friend of mine it was who did so, I say...hi! Sorry for not updating last week, but I've done so now!
Well, am in the process of doing so.
Anyway!
I owe you a blog about many things, most of which I have trouble remembering. The most important two are on identity, and Brigand's order, The Black Order's, magical system. (The basics of which are that it's divided into six types: enhancing the body, enhancing physical defense, enhancing physical attack, manipulation/redirection/restriction magic, offensive magic, and defensive magic; there are six quick hand gestures matching a type: circle, square, triangle, palm, pentagram, and two-fingers, respectively.)
Let's start with the first. Basically, remember how a while ago, I talked about how the real-life me outside of work/TKD/dancing currently doesn't exist? Well, on Monday, tellingly, I realized that in my internal thoughts, I kept referring to myself, alternating between the two, as 'Ranger' and 'mastina'. This bit is something which wouldn't be included if it had actually been blogged about on the day I meant to, but hey, benefit of procrastination I guess: I recently (read: last night) read an article on alternate identities of sorts, and it makes sense.
When Ranger was born, when mastina was born, they were both me, yet not me. They still are me, yet not me. They are separate. They are different. They are unique. I do some things on one I don't do on the other, and this has always been the relationship between the two, and also true is that both have aspects of me that I can never show off as Bree. Yet when they were created, when they were born, they were just small aspects of my life. Now...I have become them entirely. I'm still Bree! That's who I am. But Bree is, so to speak, a superentity of sorts, housing all of the many sub-mes.
How can I explain this...hmmm. Well. Think like how in-depth the analysis is for, say, Batman/Bruce Wayne, and Superman/Clark Kent. For the former, I've assumed, "Oh, Batman's him, Bruce Wayne's the mask", and many still assume this, but in-depth analysis I read showed a very convincing argument that it's BOTH. One does things only he can do while having facets that are less real, the other does things only HE can do while having facets that are not real, and they BOTH need the other half in order to function properly, because both actually are meaningful.
The same is true of Superman/Clark Kent. Neither one of them is the real him. He might have been born super, but he's not defined by being super. He's not just superman. He's also Clark Kent, and in both, he is half of his true self, but also half not himself.
The basic concept there is the same for me, except I have compartmentalized it into...many, many more than just two. I have a work self. I have a Tae Kwon Do self. I have a dance self. All are linked to my birth name, but are subsequently masks of my true self, the Bree I really am. Yet I am also a writer, B.D. Lewis. I am also an artist, B.D. Lewis, with the artistic signature RmII. The gaming self within me doesn't have a name, not really, but exists as a small section of me, a small part of Bree, as a separate identity that doesn't interact with the others. She pops into existence, does a few tasks, and disappears again.
And then, there are the internet-mes. Ranger. And mastina. Behind both, you get someone who has the same body, and the same memories...but because both have taken on lives of their own, something magical happened. When they diverged, when they separated into two different people...I guess, in my head, I somehow actually managed to convince myself I WAS two different people. I'm not sure how to explain that. It's just that...when I have the role of one, I remember things she remembers. The knowledge of the other is theoretically present, because Bree is still Bree, but...it's dormant. It's inactive.
When I'm Ranger, the knowledge I have as mastina is barely existent. It's mostly gone. All the people I know as her are strangers I'd have to meet again. And it actively takes time to switch back from one into the other. I have to prepare myself, I have to actually flip a switch, and take time to mentally compile myself, in order to switch, and have mastina become the active me and Ranger the dormant me. And when that happens, all the people I interact with as Ranger are distant vague memories, whereas the people I'm with as mastina are old friends.
I suppose there's a part of me that wishes I could reconcile the two identities, that I wish I could be both at the same time, and not need to separate into two different people who are still the same person. But another part of me, another huge aspect of me, just runs with it.
And then things get even more complicated with the addition of David and Brian in my head. (Brian is the name I'm currently using for the second, old imaginary friend, positive voice inside my head, who contrasts with David.) They have a very weird relationship with me. My own internal voice, by itself, is actually feminine now. That's a detail I don't mention often, because it's not something that comes up often. My internal voice often feels like it's a blend: when blended with David (who has his own unique voice inside of me), my voice is unambiguously male, neither his voice nor my own. When blended with Brian, it's a bit more androgynous, neither his voice (which is more masculine) nor my own (which is more feminine).
I can actively tell the difference between all five. Usually, when I blog, it's either my own feminine voice narrating or a combination of mine and Brian's voice narrating; he seems to have an active interest in the narration of my life. When I play mafia, it's usually as a combination of myself and David, which maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay be why so many people (even on alts with a pronoun set to 'she') call me a 'he', to my chagrin. (David is a guy, so when I'm channeling his abrasiveness, I think it may show. On some subconscious level, they may attribute that unique aggression to him.)
But when I interact with friends, like in a chat, it's undeniably me, Bree, by myself without either of them present. (Most of the time, anyway.) They may be talking to me, but it's me who is thinking, not either of them with me. I know all of this probably sounds ridiculous. That maybe I'm making the whole thing up. I'm not intentionally actively lying, this is in fact truly what I see happening, but you never know what's really true. Maybe I'm lying to myself, but it's just...very, very complicated.
In spite of this philosophical ramble, though, I don't actually have an identity crisis. The whole time, I have two main thoughts. The first, and strongest, is that I am me. No matter what, I am me. Myself. The second is defining a few basics. I am Bree. I am female. I know these two are true above all else. I have aspects of myself separate from one another, and no matter how much I bridge the gap, that's still true. Nobody knows the full me, not even those who obsessively read my blog, because there are aspects of my life that I don't record on my blog for various reasons: haven't thought to, have wanted to but neglected to, forgot to, thought I did but haven't, want to but am holding back for security, and plenty more.
Heck, I still don't fully know myself. I don't know how much David and Brian are me, if they're just projections my mind created or if they're actually real people inside of me. I don't know if they're just different personalities akin to Ranger and mastina, part of Bree as a whole, or if they're outside. They have different interests, different views, but what they seem to want is often more or less the same as what I want, just...in different ways, in different manners, in ways that feel foreign to me yet are still things I understand.
They're the forefront of the mystery my brain is to me, but they're not the only things I don't understand. I think the puzzle of my brain will be something I try to untangle for the rest of my life. Feel free to call me crazy, a liar, delusional, misinformed, wrong, or whatever on any aspect of what I've said. You might even be right. I'm certainly open to others interpreting me. But I figure that, as long as I ponder these things, I might as well share with you my weird mind.
I mean, let's be honest, most people are crazy in their own little ways, but even so...I'm a lot more than preeeeeeeetty much anyone else you'll meet. That may have bothered me at a time, but now...now I just think it's one of the main reasons I'm so unique. I'm just Bree, like any other person, yet...very much, am more than that.
...I'll do the magic half of the blog some later time, since I've run out of blogging energy for the time being.
Prior to that, though, there's stuff to talk about. I'm pretty sure I had someone binge my entire archive around the time of my last update, last week. So to whichever friend of mine it was who did so, I say...hi! Sorry for not updating last week, but I've done so now!
Well, am in the process of doing so.
Anyway!
I owe you a blog about many things, most of which I have trouble remembering. The most important two are on identity, and Brigand's order, The Black Order's, magical system. (The basics of which are that it's divided into six types: enhancing the body, enhancing physical defense, enhancing physical attack, manipulation/redirection/restriction magic, offensive magic, and defensive magic; there are six quick hand gestures matching a type: circle, square, triangle, palm, pentagram, and two-fingers, respectively.)
Let's start with the first. Basically, remember how a while ago, I talked about how the real-life me outside of work/TKD/dancing currently doesn't exist? Well, on Monday, tellingly, I realized that in my internal thoughts, I kept referring to myself, alternating between the two, as 'Ranger' and 'mastina'. This bit is something which wouldn't be included if it had actually been blogged about on the day I meant to, but hey, benefit of procrastination I guess: I recently (read: last night) read an article on alternate identities of sorts, and it makes sense.
When Ranger was born, when mastina was born, they were both me, yet not me. They still are me, yet not me. They are separate. They are different. They are unique. I do some things on one I don't do on the other, and this has always been the relationship between the two, and also true is that both have aspects of me that I can never show off as Bree. Yet when they were created, when they were born, they were just small aspects of my life. Now...I have become them entirely. I'm still Bree! That's who I am. But Bree is, so to speak, a superentity of sorts, housing all of the many sub-mes.
How can I explain this...hmmm. Well. Think like how in-depth the analysis is for, say, Batman/Bruce Wayne, and Superman/Clark Kent. For the former, I've assumed, "Oh, Batman's him, Bruce Wayne's the mask", and many still assume this, but in-depth analysis I read showed a very convincing argument that it's BOTH. One does things only he can do while having facets that are less real, the other does things only HE can do while having facets that are not real, and they BOTH need the other half in order to function properly, because both actually are meaningful.
The same is true of Superman/Clark Kent. Neither one of them is the real him. He might have been born super, but he's not defined by being super. He's not just superman. He's also Clark Kent, and in both, he is half of his true self, but also half not himself.
The basic concept there is the same for me, except I have compartmentalized it into...many, many more than just two. I have a work self. I have a Tae Kwon Do self. I have a dance self. All are linked to my birth name, but are subsequently masks of my true self, the Bree I really am. Yet I am also a writer, B.D. Lewis. I am also an artist, B.D. Lewis, with the artistic signature RmII. The gaming self within me doesn't have a name, not really, but exists as a small section of me, a small part of Bree, as a separate identity that doesn't interact with the others. She pops into existence, does a few tasks, and disappears again.
And then, there are the internet-mes. Ranger. And mastina. Behind both, you get someone who has the same body, and the same memories...but because both have taken on lives of their own, something magical happened. When they diverged, when they separated into two different people...I guess, in my head, I somehow actually managed to convince myself I WAS two different people. I'm not sure how to explain that. It's just that...when I have the role of one, I remember things she remembers. The knowledge of the other is theoretically present, because Bree is still Bree, but...it's dormant. It's inactive.
When I'm Ranger, the knowledge I have as mastina is barely existent. It's mostly gone. All the people I know as her are strangers I'd have to meet again. And it actively takes time to switch back from one into the other. I have to prepare myself, I have to actually flip a switch, and take time to mentally compile myself, in order to switch, and have mastina become the active me and Ranger the dormant me. And when that happens, all the people I interact with as Ranger are distant vague memories, whereas the people I'm with as mastina are old friends.
I suppose there's a part of me that wishes I could reconcile the two identities, that I wish I could be both at the same time, and not need to separate into two different people who are still the same person. But another part of me, another huge aspect of me, just runs with it.
And then things get even more complicated with the addition of David and Brian in my head. (Brian is the name I'm currently using for the second, old imaginary friend, positive voice inside my head, who contrasts with David.) They have a very weird relationship with me. My own internal voice, by itself, is actually feminine now. That's a detail I don't mention often, because it's not something that comes up often. My internal voice often feels like it's a blend: when blended with David (who has his own unique voice inside of me), my voice is unambiguously male, neither his voice nor my own. When blended with Brian, it's a bit more androgynous, neither his voice (which is more masculine) nor my own (which is more feminine).
I can actively tell the difference between all five. Usually, when I blog, it's either my own feminine voice narrating or a combination of mine and Brian's voice narrating; he seems to have an active interest in the narration of my life. When I play mafia, it's usually as a combination of myself and David, which maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay be why so many people (even on alts with a pronoun set to 'she') call me a 'he', to my chagrin. (David is a guy, so when I'm channeling his abrasiveness, I think it may show. On some subconscious level, they may attribute that unique aggression to him.)
But when I interact with friends, like in a chat, it's undeniably me, Bree, by myself without either of them present. (Most of the time, anyway.) They may be talking to me, but it's me who is thinking, not either of them with me. I know all of this probably sounds ridiculous. That maybe I'm making the whole thing up. I'm not intentionally actively lying, this is in fact truly what I see happening, but you never know what's really true. Maybe I'm lying to myself, but it's just...very, very complicated.
In spite of this philosophical ramble, though, I don't actually have an identity crisis. The whole time, I have two main thoughts. The first, and strongest, is that I am me. No matter what, I am me. Myself. The second is defining a few basics. I am Bree. I am female. I know these two are true above all else. I have aspects of myself separate from one another, and no matter how much I bridge the gap, that's still true. Nobody knows the full me, not even those who obsessively read my blog, because there are aspects of my life that I don't record on my blog for various reasons: haven't thought to, have wanted to but neglected to, forgot to, thought I did but haven't, want to but am holding back for security, and plenty more.
Heck, I still don't fully know myself. I don't know how much David and Brian are me, if they're just projections my mind created or if they're actually real people inside of me. I don't know if they're just different personalities akin to Ranger and mastina, part of Bree as a whole, or if they're outside. They have different interests, different views, but what they seem to want is often more or less the same as what I want, just...in different ways, in different manners, in ways that feel foreign to me yet are still things I understand.
They're the forefront of the mystery my brain is to me, but they're not the only things I don't understand. I think the puzzle of my brain will be something I try to untangle for the rest of my life. Feel free to call me crazy, a liar, delusional, misinformed, wrong, or whatever on any aspect of what I've said. You might even be right. I'm certainly open to others interpreting me. But I figure that, as long as I ponder these things, I might as well share with you my weird mind.
I mean, let's be honest, most people are crazy in their own little ways, but even so...I'm a lot more than preeeeeeeetty much anyone else you'll meet. That may have bothered me at a time, but now...now I just think it's one of the main reasons I'm so unique. I'm just Bree, like any other person, yet...very much, am more than that.
...I'll do the magic half of the blog some later time, since I've run out of blogging energy for the time being.
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