And that's why I'm making an entry right now. I don't really have much to say, but I figure I'd keep you updated on my life anyway. I suppose there is stuff to talk about. Lately, I've felt my online identity has been changing a lot. I haven't logged onto CF as Ranger for over a month, again, and honestly at this point, I'm not sure I want to, which is the scary thing. I absolutely love the community there. I want to be a large part of it. (I'm a small part of it now, joining hangouts as I can, chatting as I can, playing games as I can, but compared to what I used to do, that's paltry.)
...Yet there's a fear there. It's different from before. Before, there was a mental block of there being too much to do. Now, though, it's more like...it's more like I've accepted that I'll have lost some history next time I log in, so I'll just have to jump straight into what's readily there...yet there's a fear that I'll just end up trapped in an endless cycle of coming back in, getting a busy life, becoming imbalanced, not logging in, and falling out, rinse and repeat.
Because...that's exactly what has been happening the last few months. So my identity there has grown weaker. And...I'm honestly not sure what I can do to fix that, aside from maybe starting Red Hood Rider up again. I've been doing small things here and there, planning, mentally mapping, even working on the script a little bit, but not nearly enough. I actually think this would be a good idea. Red Hood Rider has, in the year since conception, become a balancing point in my life. So if I actually got it started, I feel like my CF life could become balanced.
I need to actually reach that point, and yet, it keeps getting delayed. It was delayed in January because of being blindsided by work. It was delayed in February because of life. This delay continued through to March, until I said that I would take control of my life, which I did eventually do, as shown by me actually blogging now. I told myself I would start in April, yet it got delayed because I willingly signed up for two weeks of busy work on consecutive spring breaks. (One for one school district, another for another.)
By the end of this week, I won't have that excuse anymore. But will I actually start up after that? That's where the doubt and, frankly, frustration comes in, because yes I do know myself, and knowing myself and projecting what my actions will be, the consistent picture in my mind says, "Oh, I'll tell myself I'm gonna work on it now, but then I won't."
The worst part is, what little work I've done, I've felt roadblocked as soon as I started. The passion would flare up. I would have no excuse not to. (For instance, two weeks ago, when dealing with my computer issues.) So I would begin...and then go slowly. Paralyzed by indecision on what to do exactly. And then, after finally settling down into doing something...finding my drive to keep going vanishing at an alarming rate. With me making every excuse in the world to stop.
I'm not sure how to really explain that any better. This isn't quite what I'd call inertia. At least, not my understanding of inertia. It doesn't feel like a loss of my desire, either, because clearly, my desire is still there. It's not artist's block, nor writer's block, because it's not like I'm drawing a blank and unable to do anything. It's simply me not making progress, for no tangible reason. The momentum is trying to build, so I should be overcoming inertia. Yet I'm still not moving, and I don't know why I'm not moving in spite of seeing every reason why I haven't moved.
I know that I can't magically wish to have my will be done. I know that I have to be the one that finds a solution, to figure out the problem and find a way to work around or through it. But given how difficult this is proving to be, I still find myself desiring that mystical answer, to have it literally done for me, to have it suddenly materialize and allow me to pursue my dreams. Yet the world simply doesn't work that way.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this. There was other stuff I wanted to maybe cover, but I think it'd be best saved for some other time, because I just want to leave the above as-is. I might not know what I am really saying, here, but I figure as far as blogging goes...at least it's something.