Got a D+. Yay.
But in other news, funny story. Obviously, I can't go into details because work is work, but when guarding and giving bracelets to two children, one of them asked, "Is your last name Lewis?"
And, yep, it is. They explained that they had just come from my (older) sister's piano lesson, and that she's their teacher. They recognized me because of a school yearbook, apparently.
Small world.
And in yet more other news, something which has been on my mind a fair amount is about me. No secret on this blog (albeit big secret elsewhere on teh interwebz), I'm reasonably young, at 21. Basically the age of discovery, and this is something that I think I may have discovered about myself. I'm not exactly sure how to go about talking on it, even though I have plenty to say. I guess I suppose I could start from the beginning.
Basically, I know for a fact that I like girls. I have had, what I just know, beyond all reason of doubt, crushes before, all on girls. I can think of one that will never leave my mind (though the details remain private on that one), because she reciprocated. I can think of at least one or two others that were good online friends of mine that I held secret, never-divulged crushes on. They were a bit harder to instantly recognize as being so, but I knew they were real.
So I know I like girls. I'm attracted to girls on a daily basis, too. Meaning both romantically and sexually, undeniably, I like girls. Until fairly recently, I've always thought that was it, that I just liked girls and nobody else. Now, though, I'm beginning to think there's the chance (but not certainty) that it goes further than that. For a start, it wasn't too long ago that I was unaware I was a girl, so this could be a similarly-repressed aspect of my personality now emerging when I'm more comfortable. (Which I am.)
So I've been giving it thought. I rationalized it objectively already: what if I met someone who was, like me, a pre-transition transwoman? Would I stop myself from developing any feelings just because they don't yet look like they feel? I would certainly hope not. (Especially given the fact that should the possibility open up of me actually meeting someone and bonding, they'd near-certainly meet me first as I currently am rather than the woman I want to be.) Similarly, if I met and fell in love with someone who currently looks female, yet is a pre-transition transman, would I stop loving them post-transition? I'd definitely hope not. The thought is mortifying to me.
But that's just objective rationalization of it, where I decided that if I met the right person, it wouldn't matter what gender they are; I would love them anyway. (With it just being more likely to be a girl I meet and love.) When it comes to reality, what's the actual truth for me? And that has been triggering a fair number of visions of my true self, intimate with a guy. (As per the norm, the guy's not actually visible, just like when it's a girl the girl isn't visible; the focus is always on my dream self in the relationship.)
And they don't feel like, "no, that's never happening" (well, any more than with a girl, anyway, in that in general I hold low expectations of me ever hooking up with anyone, because I don't know people anyway, so how can I get close to someone?), not even a "could happen, but seems doubtful" (more than normal, anyway; see above).
It's more of a, "Well...just about as likely as any of my other fantasies". (Well, the more realistic fantasies, anyway. Big difference between dreaming of succeeding as a writer, and dreaming of lobbing fireballs.)
And I've also been noting my previous friendships, mostly with guys mind you, and how I've often acted with them, and I'm left wondering, "Is that just wanting a friend, or is it wanting a little bit more than that?"
I don't have an answer, and frankly, likely never will. But it's definitely at least got me thinking more, and opened me to the possibility somewhere down the line. I know I like girls. The thought of guys isn't repelling and in some cases might be slightly noticeable liking, albeit far more subtly and lesser than with girls.
So I suppose that in a way, my answer has both changed and not-changed. I like girls, undeniably. I know this as a fact as strongly as I know that I am a woman. But while I definitely don't universally like guys, I might hold some attachment there. Meaning that it's all about who. If I meet the right person, I will love them regardless of who they are.
And I don't think I'm going to get any better than that. (Especially not being the recluse I am.)
But in other news, funny story. Obviously, I can't go into details because work is work, but when guarding and giving bracelets to two children, one of them asked, "Is your last name Lewis?"
And, yep, it is. They explained that they had just come from my (older) sister's piano lesson, and that she's their teacher. They recognized me because of a school yearbook, apparently.
Small world.
And in yet more other news, something which has been on my mind a fair amount is about me. No secret on this blog (albeit big secret elsewhere on teh interwebz), I'm reasonably young, at 21. Basically the age of discovery, and this is something that I think I may have discovered about myself. I'm not exactly sure how to go about talking on it, even though I have plenty to say. I guess I suppose I could start from the beginning.
Basically, I know for a fact that I like girls. I have had, what I just know, beyond all reason of doubt, crushes before, all on girls. I can think of one that will never leave my mind (though the details remain private on that one), because she reciprocated. I can think of at least one or two others that were good online friends of mine that I held secret, never-divulged crushes on. They were a bit harder to instantly recognize as being so, but I knew they were real.
So I know I like girls. I'm attracted to girls on a daily basis, too. Meaning both romantically and sexually, undeniably, I like girls. Until fairly recently, I've always thought that was it, that I just liked girls and nobody else. Now, though, I'm beginning to think there's the chance (but not certainty) that it goes further than that. For a start, it wasn't too long ago that I was unaware I was a girl, so this could be a similarly-repressed aspect of my personality now emerging when I'm more comfortable. (Which I am.)
So I've been giving it thought. I rationalized it objectively already: what if I met someone who was, like me, a pre-transition transwoman? Would I stop myself from developing any feelings just because they don't yet look like they feel? I would certainly hope not. (Especially given the fact that should the possibility open up of me actually meeting someone and bonding, they'd near-certainly meet me first as I currently am rather than the woman I want to be.) Similarly, if I met and fell in love with someone who currently looks female, yet is a pre-transition transman, would I stop loving them post-transition? I'd definitely hope not. The thought is mortifying to me.
But that's just objective rationalization of it, where I decided that if I met the right person, it wouldn't matter what gender they are; I would love them anyway. (With it just being more likely to be a girl I meet and love.) When it comes to reality, what's the actual truth for me? And that has been triggering a fair number of visions of my true self, intimate with a guy. (As per the norm, the guy's not actually visible, just like when it's a girl the girl isn't visible; the focus is always on my dream self in the relationship.)
And they don't feel like, "no, that's never happening" (well, any more than with a girl, anyway, in that in general I hold low expectations of me ever hooking up with anyone, because I don't know people anyway, so how can I get close to someone?), not even a "could happen, but seems doubtful" (more than normal, anyway; see above).
It's more of a, "Well...just about as likely as any of my other fantasies". (Well, the more realistic fantasies, anyway. Big difference between dreaming of succeeding as a writer, and dreaming of lobbing fireballs.)
And I've also been noting my previous friendships, mostly with guys mind you, and how I've often acted with them, and I'm left wondering, "Is that just wanting a friend, or is it wanting a little bit more than that?"
I don't have an answer, and frankly, likely never will. But it's definitely at least got me thinking more, and opened me to the possibility somewhere down the line. I know I like girls. The thought of guys isn't repelling and in some cases might be slightly noticeable liking, albeit far more subtly and lesser than with girls.
So I suppose that in a way, my answer has both changed and not-changed. I like girls, undeniably. I know this as a fact as strongly as I know that I am a woman. But while I definitely don't universally like guys, I might hold some attachment there. Meaning that it's all about who. If I meet the right person, I will love them regardless of who they are.
And I don't think I'm going to get any better than that. (Especially not being the recluse I am.)
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