Basically, the thing I wanted to talk about is who I am, through the eyes of others. When it comes to my life as a mafia player, I kinda...always feel like I'm stuck. The best metaphor I can think of is that I'm this genius little kid, full of ideas, full of energy, who is continuously forced to face the truths of realities she very much didn't want to see, yet who never gives up. She wants so desperately to be that wise old woman, so she keeps fighting the good fight, yet is still that vulnerable kid. A brilliant, understanding, often empathetic kid, who knows how people work and who is rather experienced at mafia warfare, thus her ability to give the insights she does...but still a kid all the same, whose words mean little or nothing to all but those who're younger than she is.
She needs help, she needs counseling, the very things she tries to be good at, she needs the support of others on. And it sucks. It really, really does, that she's not something she wants to be. But that's me, at least in the mafia world. That is how I am, even though I'm not exactly happy about it. I want to be better, I want to help others, yet I require so much support from them to function, and people still bash me, leaving me very frail and vulnerable all the time.
...All the same. As much as I don't want to admit it. I...kinda think I need that in my life. I need that ability to express my vulnerability. I need that ability to show my weakness, and it's only through mafia that I can show these things at their clearest. To function, I need to have that world where I'm not perfect, where I make mistakes, where I'm not the biggest fish in the pond, where I can be beaten down to get up stronger, where praise is only given when deserved, where I can freely find people that I can show the real me.
...Yet at the same time, that's not all of me. One of the reasons I needed to come back to ComicFury is that there, it's different. Sure, I'm not perfect, but there, the community is such that I basically have no enemies. I'm considered that strong, wise old woman that I want to be on mafia, and yet I have some youthful moments here and there, too, to balance things out. I'm not a cold stone wall that holds my true thoughts back, and I do legitimately show some of my emotions, yet for the most part, I never truly need to tell them about the worst parts of my life, and thus...the me that is there is different.
Neither me is more real than the other, nor any less real than the other. Because both are the real me, just...opposite sides of me. On mafia, I'm that girl who shows bouts of wisdom here and there beyond her age, yet is still very much a vulnerable child. On ComicFury, I'm that wise old lady who has bouts of little pieces of youthfulness, energetic and yet very empathetic, able to bridge the gaps and serving as a mediator. I try to see things from every perspective, am actively involved, and basically do a good job of keeping other people happy.
So the mes there compliment one another, rather than contradict one another. That's why they're so valuable to have, and are integral parts of my identity. And some of it leaks into Tae Kwon Do, too. Because I'm an assistant for teaching, I can generally help students with what they need to learn, but at the same time, I do occasionally need refreshers, and of course I'm still learning myself, which means that I take a little from both, while still being, well, me.
And it feels good. It really feels good, to have that network of support. I think it's probably the main thing that's keeping me going, is all these people that I can rely on, and who rely on me. The message is there, that I'm important, that I matter, that I can make a difference, and overall am a force for good. I try not to be arrogant, except in cases where I can be the friendly happy almost-joking type of arrogance where I'm not actually that serious, I'm just saying stuff for fun. So admitting that I'm not worthless trash is...actually remarkably hard for me to do.
I'm reading all the above, and already having second thoughts about posting it, because it still sounds arrogant and presumptuous to me, still sounds like I exaggerate my importance, still sounds like I'm making things up, that I'm lying to myself, that no, I actually really am not a big thing. I don't want to be boastful, after all, so I hate that I sound like I am.
But for this once, I'm going to force it to slide. Because, let's face it. When I don't, I get miserable. When I hate on myself, when I hate on my worth, I suffer. So even if I actually am playing up my importance, I honestly don't care. I need the slim little bit of happiness that it can provide. I hold relevance, no matter how big or small it may be, and that makes all the difference.
She needs help, she needs counseling, the very things she tries to be good at, she needs the support of others on. And it sucks. It really, really does, that she's not something she wants to be. But that's me, at least in the mafia world. That is how I am, even though I'm not exactly happy about it. I want to be better, I want to help others, yet I require so much support from them to function, and people still bash me, leaving me very frail and vulnerable all the time.
...All the same. As much as I don't want to admit it. I...kinda think I need that in my life. I need that ability to express my vulnerability. I need that ability to show my weakness, and it's only through mafia that I can show these things at their clearest. To function, I need to have that world where I'm not perfect, where I make mistakes, where I'm not the biggest fish in the pond, where I can be beaten down to get up stronger, where praise is only given when deserved, where I can freely find people that I can show the real me.
...Yet at the same time, that's not all of me. One of the reasons I needed to come back to ComicFury is that there, it's different. Sure, I'm not perfect, but there, the community is such that I basically have no enemies. I'm considered that strong, wise old woman that I want to be on mafia, and yet I have some youthful moments here and there, too, to balance things out. I'm not a cold stone wall that holds my true thoughts back, and I do legitimately show some of my emotions, yet for the most part, I never truly need to tell them about the worst parts of my life, and thus...the me that is there is different.
Neither me is more real than the other, nor any less real than the other. Because both are the real me, just...opposite sides of me. On mafia, I'm that girl who shows bouts of wisdom here and there beyond her age, yet is still very much a vulnerable child. On ComicFury, I'm that wise old lady who has bouts of little pieces of youthfulness, energetic and yet very empathetic, able to bridge the gaps and serving as a mediator. I try to see things from every perspective, am actively involved, and basically do a good job of keeping other people happy.
So the mes there compliment one another, rather than contradict one another. That's why they're so valuable to have, and are integral parts of my identity. And some of it leaks into Tae Kwon Do, too. Because I'm an assistant for teaching, I can generally help students with what they need to learn, but at the same time, I do occasionally need refreshers, and of course I'm still learning myself, which means that I take a little from both, while still being, well, me.
And it feels good. It really feels good, to have that network of support. I think it's probably the main thing that's keeping me going, is all these people that I can rely on, and who rely on me. The message is there, that I'm important, that I matter, that I can make a difference, and overall am a force for good. I try not to be arrogant, except in cases where I can be the friendly happy almost-joking type of arrogance where I'm not actually that serious, I'm just saying stuff for fun. So admitting that I'm not worthless trash is...actually remarkably hard for me to do.
I'm reading all the above, and already having second thoughts about posting it, because it still sounds arrogant and presumptuous to me, still sounds like I exaggerate my importance, still sounds like I'm making things up, that I'm lying to myself, that no, I actually really am not a big thing. I don't want to be boastful, after all, so I hate that I sound like I am.
But for this once, I'm going to force it to slide. Because, let's face it. When I don't, I get miserable. When I hate on myself, when I hate on my worth, I suffer. So even if I actually am playing up my importance, I honestly don't care. I need the slim little bit of happiness that it can provide. I hold relevance, no matter how big or small it may be, and that makes all the difference.
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