So that meant I took a look at my blog views.
Mostly, what I expected; nobody reading my blog.
There is the panic involving the ninth and the twelfth though. I'm looking at the spike on the ninth and the big spike on the twelfth and just thinking, "...okay. What the hell did I do wrong THIS time???", and having the resulting panic.
Because nobody reads my blog because of anything good happening.
There's literally no reason at all for the spike on the ninth, I hadn't blogged since the sixth, so what caused that spike? I blogged on the fifth and the sixth, but nothing on the ninth.
The twelfth is the real concern though. There was a huge spike that day...and that was the day I aired out Danielle's thoughts.
I'm terrified I made things worse, again, by having done so.
I'm worried I once again caused harm.
I'm second-guessing myself again; should I delete that blog? Like, I don't know if it was actually a bad blog to make, I have no metric for these sorts of things.
So like...I dunno. Was it problematic? Was it bad? Should I delete it? Or is it fine? Someone had to have read it and linked it to others; there's no way I got those views otherwise. So like...why? Did I do bad again? Did I hurt people again? Is it being used to prove I haven't learned? Is it being used to prove I learned nothing? Is it being used to demonstrate I am still just as harmful as ever? Is it being used to show I am continuing to cause pain? Is it being shown to show my worst side and how it is still there, strong, and how I can't stop myself from being that piece of shit who continues to be a garbage human?
I don't know. I'm once again doubting myself and feeling all of the fears involved.
And like...can it please just stop? Can I please just stop hurting people? Can I please just do the right thing? Like...I don't know what the right thing actually IS, mind you. But...can I please do it? Whatever the right thing to do is, can I actually do it? I am trying to do the right thing always, but if I succeeded, we wouldn't be here in the first place. I am nothing but a failure, including at being a good human who does the right thing.
Can I please just...stop fucking up and take the path which is actually that of least harm and most good? The path of healing and helping? Of joy and positivity? Of good and niceness and wholesome vibes mixed with cursed entertainment?
I'm tired of constantly messing up. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing damage. So...I just want to do better.
And I'm clearly not succeeding.
I know whatever link to the blog post was given meant those linked aren't going to be reading more. I see the statistics for that, too. One page view per visit on average. They don't explore to see multiple entries. They are interested in just the one, and that's it. So they won't actually see me write this, meaning it's all for naught to ask.
But I figure I should put it out into the universe, just in case.
If by some miracle someone I have hurt actually reads this...please help me.
I know! I have no right to ask that of you, since I'm the one who hurt you.
But like...I clearly need the help. And if not for me, then for others--to stop me from hurting others. Please help me. Point to what I've done wrong. Point me in the direction to improve. Tell me how I have wronged you and what to do about it. I know actions speak louder than words. Give me the actions to take. Tell me what I need to do. Tell me what I did wrong, tell me what was harmful, tell me what was hurtful, tell me how I need to shift and improve.
And I will do it. I will follow through. I will change. I promise. I don't make promises I won't keep, so when I say I promise, I mean it. I know that I shouldn't need to ask others how to improve. I should be doing it on my own. But that's the thing. I'm trying. I'm already improving as much as I can. If that's not enough...I need help to do better. I'm trying my best and my best clearly isn't enough. So like...please reach out to me.
It doesn't need to be a two-way convo. You don't need to leave me open to respond. Just tell me what I'm doing wrong, and ideally what I can do to do better. And I will. I want that path of least harm and greatest good. I want it so badly. So damn badly. I don't want the hurt, the pain, the harm. So please. Help me do better. Help me get it.
I clearly am not good enough as-is. I'm clearly still making mistakes. I'm clearly still messing up.
And I don't want to.
I know, I need to put the effort in on my end.
But by and large, I'm directionless. I don't know how to do better than I am, despite the fact I clearly need to do better than I am.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I understand if you think I never will be.
You're probably right.
But in the meanwhile, despite being directionless, I will still be trying. Both to live my best life, and to help others live their best life, too. I hope that one day that might eventually be good enough.
Mostly, what I expected; nobody reading my blog.
There is the panic involving the ninth and the twelfth though. I'm looking at the spike on the ninth and the big spike on the twelfth and just thinking, "...okay. What the hell did I do wrong THIS time???", and having the resulting panic.
Because nobody reads my blog because of anything good happening.
There's literally no reason at all for the spike on the ninth, I hadn't blogged since the sixth, so what caused that spike? I blogged on the fifth and the sixth, but nothing on the ninth.
The twelfth is the real concern though. There was a huge spike that day...and that was the day I aired out Danielle's thoughts.
I'm terrified I made things worse, again, by having done so.
I'm worried I once again caused harm.
I'm second-guessing myself again; should I delete that blog? Like, I don't know if it was actually a bad blog to make, I have no metric for these sorts of things.
So like...I dunno. Was it problematic? Was it bad? Should I delete it? Or is it fine? Someone had to have read it and linked it to others; there's no way I got those views otherwise. So like...why? Did I do bad again? Did I hurt people again? Is it being used to prove I haven't learned? Is it being used to prove I learned nothing? Is it being used to demonstrate I am still just as harmful as ever? Is it being used to show I am continuing to cause pain? Is it being shown to show my worst side and how it is still there, strong, and how I can't stop myself from being that piece of shit who continues to be a garbage human?
I don't know. I'm once again doubting myself and feeling all of the fears involved.
And like...can it please just stop? Can I please just stop hurting people? Can I please just do the right thing? Like...I don't know what the right thing actually IS, mind you. But...can I please do it? Whatever the right thing to do is, can I actually do it? I am trying to do the right thing always, but if I succeeded, we wouldn't be here in the first place. I am nothing but a failure, including at being a good human who does the right thing.
Can I please just...stop fucking up and take the path which is actually that of least harm and most good? The path of healing and helping? Of joy and positivity? Of good and niceness and wholesome vibes mixed with cursed entertainment?
I'm tired of constantly messing up. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing damage. So...I just want to do better.
And I'm clearly not succeeding.
I know whatever link to the blog post was given meant those linked aren't going to be reading more. I see the statistics for that, too. One page view per visit on average. They don't explore to see multiple entries. They are interested in just the one, and that's it. So they won't actually see me write this, meaning it's all for naught to ask.
But I figure I should put it out into the universe, just in case.
If by some miracle someone I have hurt actually reads this...please help me.
I know! I have no right to ask that of you, since I'm the one who hurt you.
But like...I clearly need the help. And if not for me, then for others--to stop me from hurting others. Please help me. Point to what I've done wrong. Point me in the direction to improve. Tell me how I have wronged you and what to do about it. I know actions speak louder than words. Give me the actions to take. Tell me what I need to do. Tell me what I did wrong, tell me what was harmful, tell me what was hurtful, tell me how I need to shift and improve.
And I will do it. I will follow through. I will change. I promise. I don't make promises I won't keep, so when I say I promise, I mean it. I know that I shouldn't need to ask others how to improve. I should be doing it on my own. But that's the thing. I'm trying. I'm already improving as much as I can. If that's not enough...I need help to do better. I'm trying my best and my best clearly isn't enough. So like...please reach out to me.
It doesn't need to be a two-way convo. You don't need to leave me open to respond. Just tell me what I'm doing wrong, and ideally what I can do to do better. And I will. I want that path of least harm and greatest good. I want it so badly. So damn badly. I don't want the hurt, the pain, the harm. So please. Help me do better. Help me get it.
I clearly am not good enough as-is. I'm clearly still making mistakes. I'm clearly still messing up.
And I don't want to.
I know, I need to put the effort in on my end.
But by and large, I'm directionless. I don't know how to do better than I am, despite the fact I clearly need to do better than I am.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I understand if you think I never will be.
You're probably right.
But in the meanwhile, despite being directionless, I will still be trying. Both to live my best life, and to help others live their best life, too. I hope that one day that might eventually be good enough.
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