In spite of that, I'm just...not feeling like blogging. Or doing much of anything for that matter. (Well, I do kinda feel like doing mafia, I guess, but...the site that I use to access the site I play on--because I need a proxy thanks to my router blocking the site due to my childhood--is currently down, so I can't do that at the moment. Not that it matters much, since even if I could, I'm mostly caught up in all my games anyway yet my work load is such that it'd be a hilariously bad idea to rush off and join a bunch of new ones to satiate this momentary thirst.)
I don't feel like gaming.
I don't feel like drawing.
I maybe kinda sorta feel like eating, but don't know what to eat.
I don't feel like writing.
I could maybe hang out with online friends, that would be kind-of nice, but...really...
...I kinda...just...am feeling like doing nothing.
Yet doing nothing bores me out of my mind.
I don't feel like blogging, yet here I am doing some blogging anyway...in part because I'm obligated to do a blog post every day, but also largely in part because frankly, I don't have any better ideas. Blogging stream of consciousness style is not what I had planned. I wanted to sing. I wanted to post those vampire trivia notes I have. I could have done any number of things in this blog, but I don't feel like doing them right now and honestly, even though I'm typing this blog I still don't feel like it.
Like...I'm spending the time doing the same task. It's writing words either way, right? Except this stream of consciousness style produces little if anything productive, mostly wasting time, whereas the other version, what I had planned, produces lots of content for my upcoming webcomic. I suppose there's one advantage to this format: it gives you a much better insight into my mind, and as a result, into my life.
Which, well...this being a blog, isn't actually a bad thing. It's just not the thing I wanted to do right now. Pretty ironic, isn't it? If you've been a long-time reader, or a binger, you can understand why. (Speaking of a binger, I'm pretty sure someone read almost the entire archive around January 22nd, given I had a massive spike in page views according to the stats tracker on my site, without a similar spike in unique visitors. And about 800 posts is just about how many I figure I've made, so they really did read it in one go. I may have an idea, and would thank them if I could confirm it was them, but I haven't yet.)
Because it wasn't all too long ago that I was complaining about the opposite problem. "You know, having all these neat details about this idea of mine is cool and all, but I'm basically blogging about the same exact thing each day, and I figure it gets old." Pretty accurate paraphrase of my blog post, no? Well, now the tables have turned: here I am actually blogging about something different, and...I don't want to! I want to be doing the normal stuff, the details about the Rubyverse, yet because I'm not in the mood for some reason, here I am...not doing it.
Crazy how that works. I suppose I'm at least opening myself a little bit. Speaking of which, that's another reason not currently being able to visit the mafia site is a bummer: because on there, I actually have opened up a lot over the last few days. When I'm already pretty open! Talked a little bit about dysphoria there, too, details which didn't get posted here on my blog because I didn't really want them to be here.
...Which you may recall I talked about during a previous downage, of my entire internet, when I wrote that long post which was really, really kinda depressing but also showed my thoughts ridiculously well. But anyway, I actually haven't disclosed on there a detail which I've been thinking, repeatedly, about for the last few days. I'm thinking about talking to them about it, but honestly, have chickened out a little bit: they would be all encouraging and whatnot of it, saying, "*my name on there*, that's an awesome idea!", "you go girl!", and similar thoughts.
...The problem is, this is still just an idea of mine that I'm considering doing, and I'll feel kinda bad if I ultimately can't muster up the courage to actually do it. It'd be something which would make me feel ashamed: all those people encouraging me, telling me how much I'm awesome, for an idea I didn't actually end up doing. Which is why I haven't mentioned it yet.
But basically...the thing I have been considering is something that could, maybe, help me with my dysphoria. It's been getting worse and worse and worse. I've alluded to this fact on here, but never really gone into explicit detail about it. The stronger my identity as a young woman becomes, the harder the hit is whenever I see my biology not match. It used to be that as long as I didn't see myself naked in a mirror, I would be alright, but now, even half-naked without a mirror will trigger my dysphoria...and sometimes, even wearing clothes, if I suddenly for whatever reason don't feel feminine, a wave of dysphoria will hit, then, too.
There's a reason most of the songs I've recently written (not that you've seen them since, you know...I haven't recorded them) have that subject as their main focus. Well, one of them. One thing which hasn't yet triggered my dysphoria is my face, since I've still got that disassociation with it, able to think of it purely as something that I manipulate on a daily basis via shaving. Even there, though, it's becoming harder for me to look at myself, because I still see all the things I wish I was not, but currently am.
So...what could I do to deal with that? Well, I had an idea. This is a stupid idea, and a really, really, really dangerous one. Ridiculously dangerous, in that it'd become incredibly easy for me to somehow get caught. And it's not something I'd be able to explain. Not to mention, there's the whole logistics about how I'd go about it, and I'm not even educated in the subject at all anyway.
...But...basically, my idea was that I could maybe buy a bra, and wear it underneath my shirt at all times. It would inevitably get filthy with me being unable to wash it and probably be too expensive for me to simply dispose and replace it, which gives the first logistical hurdle. I'd be sacrificing some degree of cleanliness. Honestly, probably a sacrifice I'd be willing to make: to be blunt, I'm not exactly a paragon of hygiene, with me having extremely poor habits and generally not being up to everyone else's standards.
I get further complications, though, in that there's so many other things to consider. I wouldn't even have the slightest clue where to begin in shopping for one, and even if I did, I wouldn't know what to buy (guys are woefully uneducated on cup sizes and I was raised as one), and even if I did, how could I buy it and sneakily manage to put it on?
Cost is also an issue. I don't know how much it costs. I would probably want to avoid using my credit card, just in case the charge would show up, since my mom does keep track of my usage for the card. (I think, anyway. The possibility is enough, though!) So the only way I could acquire one would be via paying by cash, and then hiding the receipt.
And there's probably more issues. I'm not sure how many ways it could go wrong, how many things involved there which I've not had experience with, it's just...a whole lot of things that I'm unfamiliar with. And it's for something that there would be incredible risk behind. We're talking more risky than, say, a collar around my neck. (Something I want, and could maybe wear, but which has many of the above problems logistically, in that I simply don't know how to go about finding and purchasing one.)
It's something that I do think would help. But I think I'm too much a coward to actually follow through. It's a nice thought, though!