...When you're tossing and turning all night long, no thanks to a form of gender dysphoria setting in. Yesterday, I was actually feeling a bit...almost euphoric, in at least some part thanks to the article I linked to you. But something made me lose 'the zone', and suddenly, the harsh reality of my biology set in and I felt like crying.
No matter how much I tried to push it away, it was there--and I haven't even begun to WORK yet, which always seems to make the problem that much worse. I did manage to eventually focus on something, though: similar to the zone; I more or less focused on a hypothetical conversation which would touch on what, to me, 'the zone' actually is.
And I realized...why keep it hypothetical? Why limit it to a scenario never likely to actually happen? I have a blog, so I might as well use it. (Bear with me for a while, though.) You're in for a treat, but this'll be very long even if I don't include the meism part that I easily have a tie-in for should I choose to. (Probably not; this is gonna be insanely long even without that.) Even if I exclude religion (feeling iffy about going down that tangent and talking about it), this is gonna be my normal certifiably crazy rambling, so buckle up.
I'll start by saying this much: I've covered this much before, at least once or twice somewhere on this blog and maybe more elsewhere, but basically, remember how I've described myself as having an overreactive imagination? How that's not a typo of 'overactive', and where I have my imagination react to literally everything?
As a refresher, for new blog readers or old ones who forgot--basically, I have this incredible ability to view things. My mind's eye view of the world allows for things that don't exist or even can't exist to be physically interacting with the real world, just as if they did.
I can snap my fingers, and -fwoom-, suddenly, I have a fireball. This fireball is utterly invisible to everyone. If I look down at my hand, I see...my hand. But without looking down, by envisioning my hand, by seeing my hand without actually seeing it, I see the fireball dancing around my palm, which with the flick of my wrist, will go spinning.
A couple of processes can be used to make a similar energy/plasma ball. I can summon various swords (or on some occasions, daggers) into either hand. Rarely, I'll have a shield, though not too often. I enjoy summoning whips, most commonly imbued with fire, but they can be non-elemental too, especially a whip-sword.
I can stab myself with these weapons, and feel them enter me, causing a reaction. And then I can regenerate damage to myself easily and quickly. If I break a bone (usually intentionally), it is easily mended. In my mind's eye, sometimes I can generate scenarios where I influence people without actually doing anything, manipulating them in forms of mind control.
I can freeze time, if only for a few moments. I can sprout angel wings on my back--normal, ice, even fire wings. I can summon darkness itself. I can launch ice spikes, or maybe seeds which sprout at an impossibly-fast rate and act like bullets. I have the power to lash out with the air itself, both as a blunt blow and a sharp slice. I can manipulate the flow of water in my palms, watching it flow from one spot to another in full control of it.
I can build up my ki/chi/xi/chakra, and then release all that energy at once explosively. I see hidden stashes of weapons and assorted goods that I unlock. I can influence the environment, doing anything from breaking bricks to causing a wall of dirt. I can reach out with telekinetic hands, which accomplish phantom tasks. I use staves, I create many guns, use bows, have super strength, have super speed, can fly, may be able to teleport, have some form of telepathy, can communicate electronically without being near electronics, and am even clairvoyant.
I can pull things along on puppet strings as a puppeteer. I can utilize razor floss because it combines the binding power of a whip with the cutting power of a sword. I can end lives instantly by cutting threads of life. I can cause attacks to stop dead, nullifying them. I can turn my fingernails into claws. (Though, some in real life might say this is true of me anyway.) I can sprout fangs--could be just the four for a vampire, but more commonly, the maw is that of a werewolf.
The best part of this is the ability to project myself, an image of the real me, outward, to show my appearance as if I was biologically female. (Granted, I have trouble doing this while doing anything else. Most of my projections involve my physical body interacting with the non-physical environment; only a few allow me to project my female form while also allowing me to use them.)
Of course, you can point out: that's all fictional stuff, right? But I'm barely scratching the surface of what I can do with that. This happens to me all the time. So much more than what I describe above--to you, those things aren't real. To you, the fact that they don't manifest in our world makes them something nonexistent. But to me, in spite of me knowing that logically, these things don't actually exist, to me, those things are still real, as real as any pen you might hold. The phantom objects, the phantom interactions, act just as if they were real, usually with an incredible level of internal consistency.
I'm not even touching on my ability to turn objects into stories, revolving around the various ways that object could be used. (For instance: pencil as a ship, pencil as a gun, pencil as a spear, pencil as a magical tool which only appears to be a pencil, pencil as a pencil but used as a weapon to the jugular, and pencil which is used as...a pencil, to name just a few. Literally every one of the ones I mentioned above is in at least one story if not more.)
I could go on all day on the subject, really--and have, on some occasions. This is just to give you a small idea of what I see in my world. Anything can trigger me to do any of the above. Sometimes, there actually isn't a discernible trigger; it just happens. (That happens a lot, actually. I just...randomly do something. Suddenly, a blade in my hand. Suddenly, a gun. Suddenly, fireball. With no thought put in; I just reflexively do them.)
But what I came here to talk about isn't directly that. It's instead what I attribute to be the cause of my overreactive imagination. And also potentially how my autism manifests, in that I think in concepts. And, yes, it also ties into my ability to reach 'the zone'. And this source is...actually something that I've kinda sorta divided into three different things, three related aspects tied together.
Those things are what I've loosely dubbed the dreamrealm, the thoughtrealm, and the spirit/aether realm/ethereal. (Though, maybe I could say spirit/aether realm as the name of the third and ethereal as the name for all three together to simplify. My brain thinks of the ethereal as being specifically the third, though.)
Now! Long-time blog readers and devout archive bingers might recognize I've used all of these terms before, in stories. Sometimes as bit parts, and other times being the thing the whole story idea hinged upon. In said stories, universally I haven't used more than one. When saying one, it takes in the aspects of all of them usually for simplicity's sake (not to mention plot convenience) if nothing else.
That even includes in the Rubyverse, where I've mentioned the ethereal a few times in regards to spirits/souls. As per the usual, the stories differ slightly from how I actually define these, and take artistic liberties as needed for the setting. (E.g. allowing magic to actually affect the physical world, magiscience, flat-out science based around them.)
And often, I admit that until today (and probably even after today), I've used the terms fairly interchangeably, even. They kind-of blend together, in spite of me thinking that they're probably actually different things. There's slight differences in them despite them all covering a similar otherworldly plain, and while I've theorized they're somehow connected, they are in fact different, distinct things. Probably.
The dreamrealm is, by my best guess, basically the realm of the subconscious: thoughts, experiences, memories, and feelings. This is not necessarily a place accessed only at night during sleep, though that's the place easiest to reach it. It is possible even when awake, even when not doing something like meditating, even when not daydreaming, although by being in it you're having your head still be "in the clouds" a bit.
It's actually similar to what you see in Inception, but actually stronger than what you see in the film, while also being more subtle. You have this world which is all the things which are known to have existed, and they are tied together to create things which could exist, at least by the logic of the dream realm. It's not something we think about, but it's something which is always there, showing aspects of life.
The thoughtrealm is the realm of ideas and concepts. It's a place where things are created. Whereas the dreamrealm basically manipulates what does exist and what has existed, the thoughtrealm is where these things first came into existence, and where a large majority of them stay forever.
The ethereal is basically a realm transcending spacetime. All that is, ever will be, ever could be, and even never will be, placed into one spot. Not in the same sense as the dreamrealm or the thoughtrealm. The dreamrealm is a magnification of reality in essence. The thoughtrealm is a pure form of reality. The ethereal is essentially 'alternate reality', given a tangible (well, intangible) form.
None of them are 'stronger' than the others. Nor 'do more' than the others. Or are 'more important' than the others. Each have equal shares of shaping the fabric of the multiverse. Of course, this is just my rationalization of them. It's a basic approximation. While this served as a basic summation of how I see them, I'm not sure if I can get a better translation--in fact, I'm not even sure these definitions are even accurate.
These realms are largely speculation on my part. Now! I fully believe they exist. 100% entirely, truly, sincerely believe they exist. My understanding of them may be flawed; my belief in them is not. I don't particularly know the details, in other words. I hold them as being part of the multiverse, but how big a part, who knows? (For instance, one of my theories is that they might tie into dark matter/dark energy, but again, not even remotely confident in that.)
In fact, nobody. I know we can't scientifically prove any of this yet, but I actually believe that key word is yet. I feel that it's not a matter of IF we can, but WHEN. Maybe that never comes, maybe we never figure out how to 100% show it, prove its existence beyond all denial, but at the very least I feel that somewhere down the line it is fully possible we'll gain enough understanding of the universe/multiverse that my belief in this stops being crazy and starts to be actually something which makes sense, with evidence mounting and new understanding to back it up.
Anyway! I brought those realms up for good reason. I feel that they might be the source of my overreactive imagination. Why? Simple: because an overreactive imagination could simply be a stronger than normal connection to at least one of them. (We're all connected to all of them, I believe. It's just a matter of to what degree.)
It could even be an explanation for my autism, as I mentioned above, in that my inability to translate the concepts I think of into words could, in a sense, be me slightly "out of tune" with our reality (as we know it), and more attuned to that other plan instead.
It's even possible for my bipolar disorder, too: my jumbled, accelerated thoughts? Could be when this attunement is at its highest. And my inability to cope well might be falling out of synch with something. Of course, all of this is simply speculation on my part.
(Worthy of note and of extreme importance here, to to clarify: these statements apply to me and me alone. I would never try to justify, to write meaning, into these mental conditions in general. Ever. And for good reason. I'm merely positing a possibility for ME, personally. As a person, as an individual.)
Who knows? I find the idea at least fascinating. I know people who've talked about manipulating dreams, such that they last for an eternity and allow the dreamer to do basically anything. (Even become a god.) Again, kinda like Inception: their dreaming, to their subjective perspective of time, is a significantly longer duration than we on the outside perceive it to be, such that when they awake, the time feels comparatively short to when asleep. Quite literally, "they come here to wake up". That's not a joke of a line. Real people feel that way, about dreams.
I also know people in the occult, which to my understanding, would more or less work in the ethereal realm; they encounter entities akin to gods (some even claiming to be named gods from various mythologies), and can themselves become like ones.
And, yes. I firmly believe both to be true. I believe the people speaking are sincere in their belief. And not only do I believe their belief is sincere, I think their belief is actually onto something. I believe that their belief is actually touching upon a force we currently don't understand, but could eventually understand. I don't think it's absurd.
Now, that's not to say everything they say is the truth. Their knowledge, I fully believe, to be imperfect. I feel like they've only scratched the surface. I feel like they might be right about some stuff entirely, right about some stuff for the wrong reasons, and entirely wrong on other things. But I feel like there's something real, something tangible, something actually existing in what they have touched upon. (Incidentally, this is where I could go on about meism, but I'm making the call not to.)
Which is where my theory of these realms comes in. And I mentioned at the very beginning: 'the zone'. What, to me, is 'the zone'? For me, 'the zone' is more or less me tapping into one of these realms, and seeing my inner self. A purer, truer self. A me that is me at the most fundamental level. My spirit-self, if you will. Which is a fully-biological female, obviously.
Which is why when I am in 'the zone', I get almost euphoric. It's "in my head", but to me, it's as real as day. I live, breathe, have the essence of, a woman. My physical body doesn't match. I might not even actively be thinking about my being, my state, my body, anything like that. (In fact, I think that proof of being in 'the zone' is not having to actually think about those things, and just instinctively having the knowledge of what you really are.)
And this is why when I fall out of 'the zone', into our "reality", as we know it, as you would define it, the dysphoria strikes. Our world sinks in, and suddenly the feelings of joy sink away and turn to despair, horror, even shock, with a longing to get back to where I was.
I hope you actually read all of this (it's probably one of the best posts I've ever made and one of the most important) rather than just skimming, because I feel like this is something that needed to be said, needed to be written, as to explain my perspective on life.
No matter how much I tried to push it away, it was there--and I haven't even begun to WORK yet, which always seems to make the problem that much worse. I did manage to eventually focus on something, though: similar to the zone; I more or less focused on a hypothetical conversation which would touch on what, to me, 'the zone' actually is.
And I realized...why keep it hypothetical? Why limit it to a scenario never likely to actually happen? I have a blog, so I might as well use it. (Bear with me for a while, though.) You're in for a treat, but this'll be very long even if I don't include the meism part that I easily have a tie-in for should I choose to. (Probably not; this is gonna be insanely long even without that.) Even if I exclude religion (feeling iffy about going down that tangent and talking about it), this is gonna be my normal certifiably crazy rambling, so buckle up.
I'll start by saying this much: I've covered this much before, at least once or twice somewhere on this blog and maybe more elsewhere, but basically, remember how I've described myself as having an overreactive imagination? How that's not a typo of 'overactive', and where I have my imagination react to literally everything?
As a refresher, for new blog readers or old ones who forgot--basically, I have this incredible ability to view things. My mind's eye view of the world allows for things that don't exist or even can't exist to be physically interacting with the real world, just as if they did.
I can snap my fingers, and -fwoom-, suddenly, I have a fireball. This fireball is utterly invisible to everyone. If I look down at my hand, I see...my hand. But without looking down, by envisioning my hand, by seeing my hand without actually seeing it, I see the fireball dancing around my palm, which with the flick of my wrist, will go spinning.
A couple of processes can be used to make a similar energy/plasma ball. I can summon various swords (or on some occasions, daggers) into either hand. Rarely, I'll have a shield, though not too often. I enjoy summoning whips, most commonly imbued with fire, but they can be non-elemental too, especially a whip-sword.
I can stab myself with these weapons, and feel them enter me, causing a reaction. And then I can regenerate damage to myself easily and quickly. If I break a bone (usually intentionally), it is easily mended. In my mind's eye, sometimes I can generate scenarios where I influence people without actually doing anything, manipulating them in forms of mind control.
I can freeze time, if only for a few moments. I can sprout angel wings on my back--normal, ice, even fire wings. I can summon darkness itself. I can launch ice spikes, or maybe seeds which sprout at an impossibly-fast rate and act like bullets. I have the power to lash out with the air itself, both as a blunt blow and a sharp slice. I can manipulate the flow of water in my palms, watching it flow from one spot to another in full control of it.
I can build up my ki/chi/xi/chakra, and then release all that energy at once explosively. I see hidden stashes of weapons and assorted goods that I unlock. I can influence the environment, doing anything from breaking bricks to causing a wall of dirt. I can reach out with telekinetic hands, which accomplish phantom tasks. I use staves, I create many guns, use bows, have super strength, have super speed, can fly, may be able to teleport, have some form of telepathy, can communicate electronically without being near electronics, and am even clairvoyant.
I can pull things along on puppet strings as a puppeteer. I can utilize razor floss because it combines the binding power of a whip with the cutting power of a sword. I can end lives instantly by cutting threads of life. I can cause attacks to stop dead, nullifying them. I can turn my fingernails into claws. (Though, some in real life might say this is true of me anyway.) I can sprout fangs--could be just the four for a vampire, but more commonly, the maw is that of a werewolf.
The best part of this is the ability to project myself, an image of the real me, outward, to show my appearance as if I was biologically female. (Granted, I have trouble doing this while doing anything else. Most of my projections involve my physical body interacting with the non-physical environment; only a few allow me to project my female form while also allowing me to use them.)
Of course, you can point out: that's all fictional stuff, right? But I'm barely scratching the surface of what I can do with that. This happens to me all the time. So much more than what I describe above--to you, those things aren't real. To you, the fact that they don't manifest in our world makes them something nonexistent. But to me, in spite of me knowing that logically, these things don't actually exist, to me, those things are still real, as real as any pen you might hold. The phantom objects, the phantom interactions, act just as if they were real, usually with an incredible level of internal consistency.
I'm not even touching on my ability to turn objects into stories, revolving around the various ways that object could be used. (For instance: pencil as a ship, pencil as a gun, pencil as a spear, pencil as a magical tool which only appears to be a pencil, pencil as a pencil but used as a weapon to the jugular, and pencil which is used as...a pencil, to name just a few. Literally every one of the ones I mentioned above is in at least one story if not more.)
I could go on all day on the subject, really--and have, on some occasions. This is just to give you a small idea of what I see in my world. Anything can trigger me to do any of the above. Sometimes, there actually isn't a discernible trigger; it just happens. (That happens a lot, actually. I just...randomly do something. Suddenly, a blade in my hand. Suddenly, a gun. Suddenly, fireball. With no thought put in; I just reflexively do them.)
But what I came here to talk about isn't directly that. It's instead what I attribute to be the cause of my overreactive imagination. And also potentially how my autism manifests, in that I think in concepts. And, yes, it also ties into my ability to reach 'the zone'. And this source is...actually something that I've kinda sorta divided into three different things, three related aspects tied together.
Those things are what I've loosely dubbed the dreamrealm, the thoughtrealm, and the spirit/aether realm/ethereal. (Though, maybe I could say spirit/aether realm as the name of the third and ethereal as the name for all three together to simplify. My brain thinks of the ethereal as being specifically the third, though.)
Now! Long-time blog readers and devout archive bingers might recognize I've used all of these terms before, in stories. Sometimes as bit parts, and other times being the thing the whole story idea hinged upon. In said stories, universally I haven't used more than one. When saying one, it takes in the aspects of all of them usually for simplicity's sake (not to mention plot convenience) if nothing else.
That even includes in the Rubyverse, where I've mentioned the ethereal a few times in regards to spirits/souls. As per the usual, the stories differ slightly from how I actually define these, and take artistic liberties as needed for the setting. (E.g. allowing magic to actually affect the physical world, magiscience, flat-out science based around them.)
And often, I admit that until today (and probably even after today), I've used the terms fairly interchangeably, even. They kind-of blend together, in spite of me thinking that they're probably actually different things. There's slight differences in them despite them all covering a similar otherworldly plain, and while I've theorized they're somehow connected, they are in fact different, distinct things. Probably.
The dreamrealm is, by my best guess, basically the realm of the subconscious: thoughts, experiences, memories, and feelings. This is not necessarily a place accessed only at night during sleep, though that's the place easiest to reach it. It is possible even when awake, even when not doing something like meditating, even when not daydreaming, although by being in it you're having your head still be "in the clouds" a bit.
It's actually similar to what you see in Inception, but actually stronger than what you see in the film, while also being more subtle. You have this world which is all the things which are known to have existed, and they are tied together to create things which could exist, at least by the logic of the dream realm. It's not something we think about, but it's something which is always there, showing aspects of life.
The thoughtrealm is the realm of ideas and concepts. It's a place where things are created. Whereas the dreamrealm basically manipulates what does exist and what has existed, the thoughtrealm is where these things first came into existence, and where a large majority of them stay forever.
The ethereal is basically a realm transcending spacetime. All that is, ever will be, ever could be, and even never will be, placed into one spot. Not in the same sense as the dreamrealm or the thoughtrealm. The dreamrealm is a magnification of reality in essence. The thoughtrealm is a pure form of reality. The ethereal is essentially 'alternate reality', given a tangible (well, intangible) form.
None of them are 'stronger' than the others. Nor 'do more' than the others. Or are 'more important' than the others. Each have equal shares of shaping the fabric of the multiverse. Of course, this is just my rationalization of them. It's a basic approximation. While this served as a basic summation of how I see them, I'm not sure if I can get a better translation--in fact, I'm not even sure these definitions are even accurate.
These realms are largely speculation on my part. Now! I fully believe they exist. 100% entirely, truly, sincerely believe they exist. My understanding of them may be flawed; my belief in them is not. I don't particularly know the details, in other words. I hold them as being part of the multiverse, but how big a part, who knows? (For instance, one of my theories is that they might tie into dark matter/dark energy, but again, not even remotely confident in that.)
In fact, nobody. I know we can't scientifically prove any of this yet, but I actually believe that key word is yet. I feel that it's not a matter of IF we can, but WHEN. Maybe that never comes, maybe we never figure out how to 100% show it, prove its existence beyond all denial, but at the very least I feel that somewhere down the line it is fully possible we'll gain enough understanding of the universe/multiverse that my belief in this stops being crazy and starts to be actually something which makes sense, with evidence mounting and new understanding to back it up.
Anyway! I brought those realms up for good reason. I feel that they might be the source of my overreactive imagination. Why? Simple: because an overreactive imagination could simply be a stronger than normal connection to at least one of them. (We're all connected to all of them, I believe. It's just a matter of to what degree.)
It could even be an explanation for my autism, as I mentioned above, in that my inability to translate the concepts I think of into words could, in a sense, be me slightly "out of tune" with our reality (as we know it), and more attuned to that other plan instead.
It's even possible for my bipolar disorder, too: my jumbled, accelerated thoughts? Could be when this attunement is at its highest. And my inability to cope well might be falling out of synch with something. Of course, all of this is simply speculation on my part.
(Worthy of note and of extreme importance here, to to clarify: these statements apply to me and me alone. I would never try to justify, to write meaning, into these mental conditions in general. Ever. And for good reason. I'm merely positing a possibility for ME, personally. As a person, as an individual.)
Who knows? I find the idea at least fascinating. I know people who've talked about manipulating dreams, such that they last for an eternity and allow the dreamer to do basically anything. (Even become a god.) Again, kinda like Inception: their dreaming, to their subjective perspective of time, is a significantly longer duration than we on the outside perceive it to be, such that when they awake, the time feels comparatively short to when asleep. Quite literally, "they come here to wake up". That's not a joke of a line. Real people feel that way, about dreams.
I also know people in the occult, which to my understanding, would more or less work in the ethereal realm; they encounter entities akin to gods (some even claiming to be named gods from various mythologies), and can themselves become like ones.
And, yes. I firmly believe both to be true. I believe the people speaking are sincere in their belief. And not only do I believe their belief is sincere, I think their belief is actually onto something. I believe that their belief is actually touching upon a force we currently don't understand, but could eventually understand. I don't think it's absurd.
Now, that's not to say everything they say is the truth. Their knowledge, I fully believe, to be imperfect. I feel like they've only scratched the surface. I feel like they might be right about some stuff entirely, right about some stuff for the wrong reasons, and entirely wrong on other things. But I feel like there's something real, something tangible, something actually existing in what they have touched upon. (Incidentally, this is where I could go on about meism, but I'm making the call not to.)
Which is where my theory of these realms comes in. And I mentioned at the very beginning: 'the zone'. What, to me, is 'the zone'? For me, 'the zone' is more or less me tapping into one of these realms, and seeing my inner self. A purer, truer self. A me that is me at the most fundamental level. My spirit-self, if you will. Which is a fully-biological female, obviously.
Which is why when I am in 'the zone', I get almost euphoric. It's "in my head", but to me, it's as real as day. I live, breathe, have the essence of, a woman. My physical body doesn't match. I might not even actively be thinking about my being, my state, my body, anything like that. (In fact, I think that proof of being in 'the zone' is not having to actually think about those things, and just instinctively having the knowledge of what you really are.)
And this is why when I fall out of 'the zone', into our "reality", as we know it, as you would define it, the dysphoria strikes. Our world sinks in, and suddenly the feelings of joy sink away and turn to despair, horror, even shock, with a longing to get back to where I was.
I hope you actually read all of this (it's probably one of the best posts I've ever made and one of the most important) rather than just skimming, because I feel like this is something that needed to be said, needed to be written, as to explain my perspective on life.
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