I'll not get anything done tomorrow (in fact I'll need to skip blogging tomorrow due to Wednesday Closer into Thursday Opener so you'll see now blog from me tomorrow, sorry), but with luck, after that, I'll be getting more done again.
I'm not surprised at the time, I knew it was this late, but I'm surprised at how fast it takes to get to this time especially given I don't know what I was doing in the time prior to that. I knew it was 3 when it was 3, I knew it was 4 when it was 4 (as I type this, it's 4:20 noice), I knew it was 2 when it was 2, but how I managed to get so little done? That I don't have any idea about.
I'll not get anything done tomorrow (in fact I'll need to skip blogging tomorrow due to Wednesday Closer into Thursday Opener so you'll see now blog from me tomorrow, sorry), but with luck, after that, I'll be getting more done again.
I swore I saw it be 1:30 like an hour ago and that it was 2:30 but apparently it's 4 am???
I might've had something to say, but looks like I'll be just going to bed, sorry.
I will say tho that I am trying to get back into content creation.
It's just...I'm not executing on my vision.
It's just that what I uploaded was awful, I legit don't know why I bothered advertising it because my execution of my idea botched the humor behind it.
...But turns out I do have some frustration.
I need a letter to certify that I am MtF to begin estrogen and up my dose of the T-blocker.
I was hoping that it could be done online, but it needs to be done in person. Meaning either my January 21st appointment, or if I can get a sooner behavioral mental health appointment.
Either way though, a bit frustrating.
Understandable, due to legal reasons.
It's not that I've done nothing, it's that after having done something I was up at a late enough time and/or so tired that I didn't write a blog (or remember to). It was time well spent tho, as I've been streaming Final Fantasy VII. (I also kinda want to look into putting my streams on Youtube, considered doing that today when I had the free time but I'm selfish so I prioritized other things that I probably shouldn't have put so much focus on.)
I will say this though.
I want to be a good streamer.
I want to be competent.
I want to be better.
I literally put in some time to create a background, starting screen, and break screen (tho I should also get a stream ending screen). I figured out how to put text on the screen of the stream.
I realize the art is terrible (MS Paint 5 minute art), and I need to replace it with better art once inspired. (I talked about this at the end of one of my streams--basically, I have seen plenty of starting/break/ending screens and how they handle overlays. But I need to be inspired in order to make a good one for myself. I can create it myself, but in order to do so, I need to have a vision on what I want to create, and I currently lack one.)
But I still put in that attempt to improve.
And yet, it's still not good enough.
My streams are terrible.
The content of them can be good! The passion I have for Chrono Trigger is something that bridged how terrible the streams otherwise would be. The passion I have for FFVII similarly so! And my facial reactions, when I can show them on stream, are potentially entertaining. (Also there's occasional kitteh content.)
But the quality of the stream isn't great. I don't carry myself in a way which makes me a good streamer. And the stream lacks good bells and whistles. It's in a bad format. My equipment isn't great. My layout is slopping. My commands, my titles, everything, it's not great. It gets the job done, but getting the job done isn't good enough.
If I want to actually succeed as a streamer.
I need to get to a point where my streams are not terrible.
I have ideas on how to improve.
But right now all of them are just ideas.
They're not realized.
Some of my bigger fans, so to speak, will be supportive and say that I'm not terrible in my streams. After all, the content of them can be good! My passion for games can show, my reactions can be gold! (And bonus kitteh content is always welcome.) They would point that out, maybe add things like 'soothing', 'calm', 'chill', 'good to just vibe in', etc.
But the fact of the matter is, if they didn't know me already and want to support me already, they wouldn't be in my stream. They'd be elsewhere. They wouldn't find my content and stick around and stay--why would they? I don't have the streamer sense to be able to captivate new people coming in. I can't really show them how much I love their presence, how much I appreciate them, how much I want to vibe with them.
I'm autistic. I can't speak well. I don't know what to do, say, how to say it, and that's if I'm able to at all given that my streams frequently have no-mic periods thanks to my family.
So by every metric, every objective rather than subjective metric, my streams are terrible.
I know that I can make them be better. At least theoretically. I know that they're already adequate, thanks to being hard-carried by the games I'm playing having such staying power that they bring folks in. But while the games I'm playing can keep me afloat.
I won't have made it until I have streams which have people show up and stay not out of obligation to me due to being friends/associates. But stay because they genuinely think my streams are worth watching no matter what. For people who have never interacted with me before, never seen me around. To come, see what I'm doing, and think that it's worth staying around for more because I've got a good thing going.
Nobody who is a current viewer of mine is capable of giving me that, or reassuring me that I have that, because all of my current viewers are said friends and associates, who have interacted with me before. They've seen me around. So they have those preexisting biases towards me. It needs to be from a complete and total stranger. And so far? I don't have it.
And right now, why would I?
I don't actually have a good thing going.
I have the potential to have a good thing going.
I have ideas, oh so many ideas, which if realized would elevate me to a much higher level.
But the ideas are unrealized and because they're unrealized? It means that the potential is just that. Potential, not actual. My streams are terrible.
I literally ended stream today and went "god I'm terrible at this". I actually had much stronger language than that, albeit language I've since forgotten in the process of writing this blog. (I actually started writing this blog specifically because I'd already tweeted so wanted to write down the thought in another medium, thinking that I'd make a one-liner blog. Turned out I had a bit more to say than that...and in the process, forgot what I was going to say originally.)
But whatever the sentence is that I was going to say, the sentiment still carries weight.
I hated myself for ending stream when I did. I wanted to keep going. And I realized just how bad my stream was the moment I stopped. It didn't end satisfactory. It wasn't something I felt good about. It was too short, and not only was it short, the content wasn't good. I wasn't on top of my game. I wasn't being full of commentary, reactions, etc. I was just...going through the motions.
And that makes it one of the worst streams I've done in months.
I need to do better because that was unacceptably terrible.
Tomorrow is my endocrinology appointment.
It was originally scheduled to be in-person, but then I got covid and tested positive for covid and thus, had to change the type of appointment.
While I was progressing under the prior endocrinologist, this is a new one thanks to the prior one retiring, so I am yet again facing the same fears as the last one: being gatekept.
Originally, by this time, I was meant to be on two pills and start taking estrogen.
But I am worried between it being a first visit, and being remote, that I might get gatekept and be delayed further.
I want to take the next steps so badly. I literally am double-padding bras and shaving twice daily and it's not good enough. I need more. I just...want things to be the way they should be.
So here's to hoping.
...But while I knew them earlier today, I forgot what traits I...well, forgot. Oops.
Succubii have the flight, the innate understanding of social relationships, ability to read them, enhanced ability to charm, both through psychological reading and through literal seductive power (not used), dream viewing, dream manipulation, limited memory rewriting (requires them to be sleeping, is short-term only, and prone to failure; also not used), and probably more that I, again...forgot.
I'll see about looking up Succubus powers in various settings, and see what I want. I want most, but not all, of the powers. For instance, mind-reading I want a form of, but not as strong as in DMFA Cubi mindreading for instance. (And in this case, from the Slime half not Succubus half.)
I did however come up with the protagonist's superhero name. It's something that she very very very deliberately selected:
It seems like a lame name, and a name easy to make fun of, due to the nature of the innuendo of a name--but that's actually the point, that's actually precisely the reason she chose it as her superhero name. She doesn't want to be just a slime girl, she's a succubus and a slime girl, so she chose an alias that would pay homage to both halves of her, rather than just one.
And did so while remaining mostly family-friendly. Something that parents can't truly object to naming-wise, but which conveys the succubii heritage while also conveying her main power source, that being, her water affinity (since Slimes are more water than anything else).
Anyway, while I could have more to say, tonight? Tonight I need to listen to my body's urgings of sleep, so I'll be going to bed to hopefully beat covid as soon as possible.
My entire family did, in fact, get Covid. Really sucks, honestly. It's not surprising. It made sense. It fit. It was very likely. But I was still hoping it wasn't.
That said, today I did come up with an idea from a dream. I realize the idea of a "Slime Girl" is ridiculously overdone for a fantasy setting, but what about for a superhero setting? (Okay even there it's probably been done...) In this case, the specific concept I came up with is a Slime-Succubus hybrid.
In this universe, slimes have all of the abilities you'd expect them to have. Extensive shapeshifting, absorbing, being able to make lesser copies, special sight, being able to dissolve into a pile of goo, the goo moving, "metal slime" skin, you get the idea. But one thing slimes can't really do is have control over the pigment of their, for lack of a better word, "skin". They can change it somewhat, but they don't have fine control over it, in spite of being otherwise excellent shapeshifters.
In this universe, succubii have the opposite problem: they are the absolute masters at superficial shapeshifting. They can change pigments of their skin tone, they can change things like how much fat is where, make themselves a few inches taller or shorter, a little wider or thinner, so they can basically masquerade as essentially any human (or "human"), but can't go into obviously nonhuman shapes, and can't go too big or too small. They can't become too outside of the "norm". They still need two legs, two arms, a central mass, a head, etc. Their basic shape stays the same, even if the specifics of it, they are the masters of change.
So you can see where this is headed--the Slime Girl I have in mind as a Slime-Succubus hybrid inherited both traits. The extensive shapeshifting of the slime and the extensive form changing of a succubus (or would it be extensive form changing of a slime and extensive shapeshifting of a succubus? You get the idea tho).
So she can pass as human, or as a default succubus (succubii have horns, wings, and a tail by default--various succubii have different types of these, from cat horns to ram horns, cat tails to devil tails, but always have them; obviously, succubii can hide them in their shapeshifting as their wings/horns/tails are where the majority of their shapeshifting mass comes from), but has all the powers of a slime.
Being a liquid, no need for sleep (and much lower needs for other things), having things pass through or be absorbed inside of her, store things inside of her body, immunity to physical damage in multiple ways (metal slime armor, extreme maneuverability to avoid being hit, even when hit being a liquid so blows being absorbed the way liquid would, not really having vital spots to wound so the wound not being critical, etc.), immunity to blunt impact, having an adhesive body that sticks to things and can have things stick to her, immunity to poison and disease (racial slime traits), immunity to mind control (shared racial traits between succubii and slime, with between the two covering literally every possible form of altered state of mind, with the singular exception of getting drunk, which both are actually more vulnerable to...), being able to eat/absorb anything, being able to tell what's poisonous (among other things), recognizing deception (this one's a succubus one), having the ability to read social cues and be a universal translator (also succubus), being able to generate poison (including paralyzing toxins), having the power to seduce (albeit, thanks to her morals, refusing to use it), being able to absorb any liquid (including water, natch), changing size/body proportions proportional to how much mass she has available (and she can gain/store mass from water in excess of what she has already), filtering water, having healing powers from her water, being able to unleash water with limited hydrokinesis (water connected to her body she has full control over, water she shoots she can push around or even make into a stream sharp enough to cut/pierce, but finer control is lost if she's not actively in contact with the water), control over whether what she envelops is digested or isn't digested, and for that matter, whether to drown them or not drown them, mastery of how solid she is, what texture she is, ability to control clothing, use of extra limbs (an endless amount of tentacles) that have incredible fine motor control, unmatched sense of taste, touch, and hearing, ability to mimic voices perfectly, perfect memory, limited tactile-based telepathy (feeling the surface-level thoughts of those she contacts), passive ability to absorb through this method memories and feelings (empathy basically), genius-level intellect, being an incredibly fast learner, especially skilled at navigating the human world (averting a typical slime girl stereotype), skilled at acting, no need to breathe, ability to create weapons from the body (blade-arms, blade-tentacles, axes, knives, you name it, shapeshifting + metal = anything can be a weapon), an ability to quickly learn the fighting styles of others and incorporate them into her own (and find counters to them), incredibly strong self-regeneration if she somehow ever does get hurt, ability to generate acid (and immunity to it), being able to absorb/create liquid metal, having the required heat resistance of this, ability to (with enough time) shift "types" of slime to gain immunity to cold or heat (not both at once obv, and it does take time, extensive time, to mold herself into that different "form" of slime), being able to basically act like rubber, capable of being either a conductor or insulator of electricity (and to a very limited extent, for magic in general), through being liquid being able to melt through surfaces, pass through them, slipping through even the smallest of cracks, mastery of dexterity/nimbleness/hand-eye coordination, superhuman strength, increased speed, flight, ability to mind control others (not used) through specialized created slime cores, elasticity, a limited hammerspace for objects/mass, a form of farsight from basically having eyes that can become a magnifying scope, ability to see details from it becoming a microscope, forming doppelgangers (other slimes controlled by the main body too, albeit with one mind so it being laborious), ability to sense water of all forms from an incredibly long distance, and with incredible focus, ability to track people within that range (because people have water) (but this is not an easy ability to use and requires intense focus to maintain the clairvoyance this entails), the ability to "see" everything around without eyes in a sight-without-sight in a 10-yard radius (which also lets her see magic itself), and limited skill absorbsion from things absorbed.
From these skills, she's mastered every form of weapon, and she is quite good at rune-based magic (drawing magic, basically). Her ability to cast non-rune magic is nonexistent tho, but she still has extensive knowledge of it, and high ability to counter it (in part due to being able to see magic itself, in part due to an a limited form of adaptive defense, but also due to genius analytical skills and being able to, so to speak, predict magic--not a proper power, but effectively one thanks to her instant calculation time since she's able to do basically any math/physics/etc. problem in her head instantly).
Sadly, this is all I came up with. Abilities, and loosely ones at that, and the concept being superhero rather than fantasy adventurer. (I might look into more powers, too.)
I'm beginning to increasingly fear that every day might be the last day for my blog.
If I were really smart?
I'd create a backup, step by step, meticulously copying over every entry.
I should look into doing that eventually, but for now?
I'm not smart, I'm dumb.
I will say tho that today's not been very fun with repeated power hits. Each made me feel like it was the last, each knocked out my computer, and one lasted for what had to have been almost two hours. When it finally came back tho, I took the opportunity to start being smart in a different way.
I have eleven windows of Google Chrome tabs. It might seem excessive and a horrific nightmare to people, but each of those windows actually has a dedicated purpose. One window is a resource for streaming, a different window is a dedicated tab I use for streaming (the two need to augment each other and cannot be combined), I have a window for work-related stuff, I have a window for things that I read, I have a window for my default window containing my original window that still contains most of the important stuff, I have a window for my online games, I have a window for skype and stuff relating to my good friend, I have another window that is basically 'future projects' stuff, I have a "this is the window I open new tabs in" window (which also serves as my hub for a fandom I'm a part of), a window for discord (as well as really important emergency links, which is what discord is for me), and then a window for watching twitch.
Each of those windows has multiple tabs. The lower end is 3-4, the average is probably closer to 8-12, the highest like 20-30 (that'd be the future projects tab since I uh...have a lot in mind for my future obviously), but today I did some reorganizing, streamlining, and basically cleaning up of them, in addition to having actually saved the links to literally every. single. one. Of the ones I was using. (And that allowed me to actually close some that I wasn't expecting to actually really use in the future barring really really specific urges returning, like Kingdom of Loathing.)
Basically, I recorded, documented, and otherwise archived a bunch of my Chrome stuff, while going through and streamlining/cleaning/organizing it as well. Which will definitely help me a lot. (I also basically developed an official order for the tabs, although every time explorer does the soft-reboot it messes with the preferred order.)
Anyway, I feel like I am mostly better from my initial sickness, although I am very very very worried about a followthrough infection developing. I'm recovering, each day better than the last, but I need to be continuing to do good things in order to ensure no infection, including recovering swiftly.
I really want to be better by tomorrow so that I can return to work, and I really don't want to miss my endocrinology appointment this Thursday.
Still tho: I'm cautiously optimistic.
Now obviously, it's not something that is constantly bad, but it's constant and occasionally bad, to a level that definitely fits more with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a normal emotion; the amount of dominance it can have, less so.
If anyone were to actually go through my blog, actually, they'd in hindsight be able to find some entries where I show this anxiety off, and yet more which describe how I've had anxiety my whole life and developed coping mechanisms.
I've literally made a blog post, maybe multiple blog posts, about how I am simultaneously afraid of everything, and yet, nothing. The everything comes from, what in hindsight, is actually probably an anxiety disorder. I literally fear everything, even things that are impossible. I get caught in what-ifs, and get all worked up about the littlest of things, always fearing, always nervous, always on edge of "what if things don't go well".
Heck, even right now there are a few.
What if we run out of water?
What if we can't get out?
What if I sleep through my appointment for a covid test?
What if I lose my job?
Probably more similar ones, but those are the ones that come to mind immediately, and I am basically consumed with worry about them, struggling to find solutions, always afraid, always paranoid, always trying to avoid them.
Heck with pets I always experience "what if"s involving them being hurt or worse, too, beyond a level that's normal worry, now that I think about it.
And as for the "I fear nothing"? That's the coping mechanism for the anxiety. Having rationalized the anxiety through and pointed out, no, those things are not going to happen, we have this and that, etc. I'm not afraid because I'm constantly afraid and constant fear brings constant coping. And the constant fear is constant anxiety, but the constant coping of it keeps it from being bad.
If I had the article in front of me (I was planning on doing precisely that for this blog), I'd run through the various aspects of what it says in there, and explain my own relationship with it. Things like my perfectionism. How I have constantly, consistently, described being "overreactive", as beyond overactive because that's what's firing off in my brain, with it being concerned about every little thing, avoiding things that are daunting, and so on and so forth.
Unfortunately, I'm not feeling so motivated to micromanage that in making a blog post so I'll be lazy about it.
Suffice to say, if I were to break it down piece by piece you'd be able to tell.
But since I'm not going to, you'll just have to take my word for it. It should be obvious enough though in hindsight, especially with reading my blog.
Now, I realize there's probably a fair amount of overlap with anxiety disorders and the manic half of bipolar disorder. (I 100% have bipolar disorder. It is the one condition I have been diagnosed with, and countless medical professionals have seen my symptoms and agreed that I have it and the treatments I've taken have suggested to them that yes I do indeed have it.)
There might be some overlap with ADHD, too. (I am like 90% sure I have adhd, I literally hyperfocus on things allllll the time, but am also prone to being distracted, have my brain go off on tangents, etc. I had it listed in my medical file at least once at some point altho I don't really know what came of that.)
Heck, there might be some overlap with autism as well. (I am like 98% sure I have autism. I am very much not neurotypical. The way I think in concepts with concepts being my first language and have to translate things to English but sometimes things get lost in translation, files get corrupted, certain files get misplaced, wires get swapped/crossed, tics I have with my hands and such, the way I store info on my fingers, gestures I make, the way I can relate to autistic people an "get" them, my ability to see things better than most people including patterns, see subtle details but not being able to understand social cues, struggling to "read the room", figure out tone, etc., all suggest it, and it is another thing I had listed in my medical file at least once at some point altho I don't really know what came of that.)
And while I don't have an official diagnosis for anything except the bipolar disorder (and probably won't, since just knowing is adequate enough for me), the fact remains that I probably do in fact have them.
And today we can add anxiety to that list.
I realize autism and adhd have a lot of overlap. Bipolar disorder might overlap, too. And I know that all of them likely overlap with anxiety.
So saying that I have all of them might seem a bit dubious. How could someone, after all, have not one, not two, not three, but four different mental conditions that a neurotypical person does not have? How could someone who passes as mostly-normal (albeit highly quirky and often dragged down by debilitating crippling aspects of my mind) have so much not-normal in their mind?
But the thing is.
While I realize that the conditions have overlap.
There are some things about them that do not overlap with each other. And I have signs and symptoms of all, which includes the areas which don't overlap between them.
I'd have to go into extensive depth and research to list all the signs and symptoms of autism, adhd, anxiety, and bipolar disorder in order to show why I believe I have all of them, which is too much effort for me to do now. But I genuinely feel like if I cared enough to show my homework, even a skeptic could be made a believer so long as they are not a literal mental-condition-denier (as in, someone who believes mental disorders don't exist).
I realize people hold criticism for self-diagnosis. Which is fair. It'd do a lot of good for me to put the skeptics to rest if I did go through the time/effort of getting official diagnoses for the conditions I have. (That said, I believe that the medication I am taking for bipolar disorder is also used for anxiety anyway so like...if I am correct that I have anxiety, my current medication is a three-in-one special dealing with depression, mania, and anxiety all in one.)
Butstill, while you can do a lot of convincing of yourself, while you can be mistaken, while you can be ill-informed, while you can mistake one thing as being a different thing, while you can delude yourself to a certain extent, while you can always just be exaggerating the connection of the dots and once the connection is formed, force it to fit...
...At a certain point? I am still the one who knows me best. I know my mind. I know the way it works. I know the way it operates. Nobody can know it better than I do. Nobody knows me better than I do. The same way nobody can tell me that I am not trans (when I am, I am Bree, I am a girl, and nobody can tell me I am not because I know I am), nobody can tell me I'm not bipolar, not autistic, don't have adhd, and now, don't have anxiety.
There's being cautious, there's being skeptical, but then there's just being a gatekeeper. And you shouldn't gatekeep mental health and disregard the experience of an individual who has actually spent considerable amount of time researching and reflecting and considering their findings and wondering and even doubting their conclusion while managing to still hold true to their conclusion because they know themselves better than you do.
I realize harm can come from claiming something that you actually aren't; I realize harm can come from misdiagnosis, especially self-misdiagnosis. But there's no harm in having something just click and realizing, "yeah, that makes sense in hindsight" and then using this knowledge to try and better your future by incorporating the knowledge of the probability of having That Thing, and managing to maximize the advantages of That Thing while minimizing the weaknesses of That Thing.
It did just click for me as "oh yeah, in hindsight? That makes a lot of sense that I'd have an anxiety disorder". It just fit instantly. Like, basically no doubt, I just somehow knew that it was true. I already have mechanisms for dealing with it, but these mechanisms can be improved with knowledge of having the anxiety disorder. And that knowledge does me no harm, only good.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble.
My anxiety is somewhat spiking in regards to tomorrow, so to mitigate it, I'm going to go to bed now.