I wrote 90% of a song today about my depression--didn't finish it.
I didn't do multiple things I meant to do at work today.
I didn't shower or work out today.
I didn't eat lunch today.

I couldn't do my full voice work because my voice was cracking out of sorrow.
Where I couldn't keep it up because I was crying internally.

I've entered a depression spiral.

Depression is keeping me from doing things.
Not doing things is making me more depressed.
Being more depressed is making it even harder to do things.
So I get in greater and greater pain.

I'm hurting.

So badly.

The pain is growing.

It's bipolar disorder, so I get reprieves.
I had a great manic moment between the morning and now, both at the peak of the depression.

That manic moment had me discovering a name for my specific facet.

We're all still Bree. I am still Bree. We're Bree first, facet second. I'm Bree first, facet second. But I discovered the name Muse as a subname for Ranger for me, the writer, the main fronter of us.

But we're just.

We're getting worse and worse.

The shine of the light was nice while it lasted.

That happiness and sheer giddiness of having discovered a name that brought me joy was incredible.

And then.

Back to pain.

Back to suffering.

Back to despair.

I'm getting worse.

We're not getting better.

We're slowly getting more and more in trouble.

We're slipping.

We're in need of help.

What do we do.

We don't know.

I wish we did.

We're...just. Just, not okay. Really not okay.

We've no reason to be this bad, but we are.

It's bad enough to be noticed by family (who are going to freak out when they realize I didn't eat lunch).

It's bad enough that I'm pretty sure even coworkers have noticed.

I'm sinking.

I don't know what to do.

How do I live.

I'm in pain.

I have medication, it helps;  I'd be way worse without it.
I have coping mechanisms that manage it fairly well.

​They're failing because it's just. that. bad.

When it comes to activities I am pouring countless hours into playing league/tft trying to complete the quest before it ends, in spite of knowing that I can't because Riot Games made their quest basically impossible to finish. I've had to have spent hundreds of hours on literally hundreds of games and I've not gotten the epilogue completed and am not even close to rank 3 on the characters. I did the math and to just get from tier 2 to tier 3 could potentially take 1000 games in a worst case scenario, so like.

I can't complete it.

It's literally impossible.

But I am still sacrificing so much in a futile attempt to do so. Because I hold onto false hope that if I don't give up hope, if I keep pushing, that it's possible.

And when I inevitably fail, that'll mean the worst of both worlds: I'll hate myself for having not pushed further; I'll hate myself for having tried, wasting time on a game that I should be playing for fun but which I am now very very very heavily burnt out on.

I'm also quite miffed that, yeah, bot games don't count. They used to for prior events. Now they don't. Bot games took less time and less stress, so I could grind them out without burnout. But with every game being PvP, that means every game requires me to actually be pouring too much time into how to win, and then not actually manage it half the time.

Beyond that, I hate myself for what I am doing tonight which will bleed into tomorrow.

I knew when tonight was an anime night among friends that I would need to give up on something.

I can make it to work on time (top priority); I can do my proper workout tomorrow; I can take a shower tomorrow; I can get a good full proper night's sleep; I could be a part of the hangout start to finish.

But I can't do all five. I can definitely manage 3, and if I'm lucky, 4, but something has to give and I really don't like it.

I hate it.

I want to keep up my health momentum, which losing one of those is going to really hurt.

Not that I have much momentum from today as I sacrificed a proper workout for the futile league work. Which also caused me to sacrifice streaming, and/or working on my novel.

So like.

I am making decisions and most of them are not the right ones.

Hanging out tonight? A right one.
But not a decision without consequence, and I have no clue what the right decisions for tomorrow will be.

It is telling me:
Yes, Bree.

Continue writing the Records of Farn.

It's going to be hard.

It's going to be brutal.

But I have good ideas.

The stories I want to tell, I can tell.

I have the start.

I have the template.

I'm slowly remembering the rules to use. Cutting out duplicates of things like 'of', 'to', etc. Using synonyms. Getting the paragraphs the right structure. (4-8 sentences.) I know that there are doubts to be had.

The Mary Suesque nature of the wish fulfillment aspects of the stories, doubt in my talent, doubt in things. That I've only once finished a story, ever. That I've never finished a second draft. That I'm writing in a google doc. That I have no clue how I will publish it. If I should release it piece by piece, if I should wait until being complete before releasing pieces, if I should release it all at once.

I have my doubts.

But I am being told, very loudly:
"Shush."

I got this.

We got this.

We can do it.

It's within our collective talents, especially mine.

The work has been done (mostly).

So I just need to follow through.

We can pull this off.

​We just gotta keep working on it.

I streamed, what can I say?

I go into true degen hours when streaming, so late that it becomes early.

Is necessary, but is also something that means I will be going to wake up quite late on Saturday since to most people Saturday has already begun.

I've not been doing my workout routine in half a week, but I think that, even with the stream tonight, I can make it work tomorrow since Saturdays are just runs and TKD work, mostly. (Plus some skincare and mouth hygiene.)

Anyway, we made very good progress in my novel, I actually got some fairly good help from someone who popped in for half of the stream, and we've got a start to it. I'll be writing more than just on stream, hopefully, but hey. We got the start, and now we can keep going whenever possible.

​But first: we're past any sane bedtime so need sleep.

Okay so I know I spent some time fixing the medication issue (and it is in fact fixed!), but since then, the only things I've done are play a few league games (my weekly dose of ranked games--did not go well btw--plus some to try and get wins and progress the quests), play a lot of tft games (also did not go well; I demoted from Gold III again), and then did a lot of the note recording for my latest passion project of a story, "Chronicles of Farn".

Chronicles of Farn is going to be a Fantasy story that has some Slice of Life elements to it, but is also about the rise of the greatest hero of all time, who is somewhat of a Mary Sue (based on me, absurdly strong in too many ways), but one which I go out of my way to justify in the writing.

(Specifically, a big part of the reason for things going right for her is, well, duh. She was summoned to the world to do specifically those things. The spell specifically is worded in a way that guarantees the person summoned will be incredibly competent at, effectively, anything they need to be competent at in order to save the world in the way they are meant to, in the way they were summoned specifically for. Many of the forces which give her power can see into the future to select her specifically, combined with the spell summoning her, combined with her innate talents.)

I've been working at it for the last couple weeks or so, and it's a combination of an old old old idea (circa 14) that was heavily Adventure Quest/DragonFable inspired, and a new "what if" that boils down to: "what circumstances would be required for the protagonist I have in mind (that is heavily based on me), to be the one summoned?"

Basically, no matter who would be summoned, no matter what, they would ask the question "why me?" why that person, out of the over 7 billion candidates which could be selected? Well, when you go out of your way to justify that, they you have a fairly interesting story idea I feel about a character who is effectively a justified Mary Sue.

That said, I don't truly consider her one. She's not lucky per se. She's not the best at everything. She's not talented in literally everything. She's a jack of most trades, 8-9/10 in some/many (but not all). Good at more than most people are, but not the best at anything.

Her achievements are believable, given the setting. Her main strength isn't in her strengths but in her personality, which is not perfect. (Admittedly though, many of the flaws in it only appear in the sequel.) She befriends individuals and uses diplomacy first, with fighting done only when needed. But it's justified, not perfect, and has notable drawbacks.

​I love the story. I just need to make it now.

But boy oh boy is it taking a lot of time.

We've written down ~8 pages of notes and still have 4 more to go.

I have no estrogen after tonight, so like.

Not a good time.

Downward spiral happening now.

​Trying to fix it.

I mean, we started with doing a ton of good things. Second weekday of our new improved routine (which, by the way, we need to write down in like an excel sheet or something to formalize it), and we did it pretty well.

But once home...well.

It's 2 am almost and we got home at 8:45 pm. 

What happened to those five hours?

I don't remember gaming during that time.

I did some reading, but surely not that much?

We mostly spent the time working on our new story which we are very close to ready on.

I just...

Don't know what happened.

It sucks to be honest.

​But it is what it is.

Not helping things: google-based services seem to be malfunctioning right now.

It's not the browser itself.

It's just google services, nothing else.

I don't know why, but it's even on just google searches.

​Hopefully fixes itself tomorrow since I want to actually use the google docs.